On Balance, Where's Your Attitude?

Last week we looked at attitudes (What’s in an Attitude? Only Peace of Mind) and how they affect peace of mind. Now let’s get down to brass tacks with practical examples in an area we all struggle with at different points – relationship conflict.

Relationship conflict is certainly in the top 10 causes of stress and anxiety for most of us. Conflict can take the form of verbal and physical fighting or appear more subtly as avoidance, repressed anger, resentment, grudge-holding, silent treatments, disrespect, and dishonesty.

Here are some familiar (if negative) responses to conflict with others:

We blame others

• “They did [X] to me, so it’s their fault we’re fighting and they should be the ones to apologize and make this right!”
• “That person is [fill in the blank ______________; eg., selfish, mean, rude] and does not deserve my effort to resolve this.”
• “I’m right and she’s wrong!”

We blame ourselves

• “It’s all my fault, if only I hadn’t done [X], this would never have happened!”
• “I’m such a mess-up, I should just withdraw and not address this, and pretend it never happened. I’ll just keep my mouth shut from now on.”
• “No matter what I do, I get into this kind of conflict. There’s just no point in even trying!”

No matter how we respond, the basic fact is that most people do not like or enjoy conflict with others. We want to feel peaceful and happy in our interactions with others.

Here’s the amazingly good news about conflict: We can feel better whether or not the other person cooperates!

But how do we do this? How can we feel better when it seems to depend on someone else – don’t we have to deal with that person directly and have a resolution first?

The answer is no. We can feel better, whether the other person is involved or not, by changing our attitudes. When we improve our attitudes, we can directly affect our feelings about conflict.

Applying Improved Attitudes

If we truly want peace of mind, we can replace old attitudes with new ones. The first step, as always, is to practice awareness. Recognizing those negative attitudes and acknowledging them opens the door to trying something new. Here are some examples of improved attitudes in relation to personal conflict:

How Do I Get From Here to There?

As with all personal change, improving our attitudes takes time and effort. It’s a process of trial and error that looks something like this:

• Become aware we have negative attitudes
• Understand how they are playing out and how they are affecting our relationships
• Decide to try something different
• Brainstorm options for responding to conflict the next time it comes up
• When conflict arises, try to apply one of those options
• If we’re successful, look at what worked and what didn’t, and continue to improve our responses
• If we’re not successful, allow credit for trying, don’t beat ourselves up, and keep thinking about options for the next time

In a previous article (Finding Peace of Mind After a Conflict Depends on No One But Yourself), I shared my formula for dealing with conflict. It’s incredibly simple and simply works. Next time you run into conflict with someone, try using it to sort out your feelings, attitudes, and approach to resolution:

Inner Work First

1. Get clear about: a) How you feel – identify the feelings, b) What you were reacting to? – describe the behavior/situation/activity that the feelings arose from, c) That you are responsible for your reaction, no matter how “bad” the other person’s behavior.
2. Look at your part in the situation and examine your attitudes – can you admit the role you played?
3. Decide if you need to apologize for your part.
4. Determine what you want to say to the person to express your perspective.
5. Explore your motives for saying it.
6. Practice expressing your feelings with a trusted friend or write them down before communicating with the person you’ve had the conflict with.

Working with the Other Person

1. Come from a place of clear intention and good will. To do this, use “I” statements so that you stay in your own perspective and reduce temptation to comment on the other person’s intentions, motivations, behavior, or attitudes.
2. Admit your part in the conflict and apologize if that’s important for you.
3. Ask for what you would like/need from the other person to feel resolved now or in the future.
4. Stay detached from the other person’s response (good or bad).
5. Stay centered in good attitudes and intentions.
6. Let go of the outcome.

While the process is simple, it is not easy. It’s iterative, meaning we must go through it over and over again before it starts to come more naturally.

Attitudes underly our experience of life. If we want to feel better and have peace of mind, we must dig under the surface of our reactions and look at what’s causing them. Remember that we are never too old to change. It is always possible to improve our relationships, and it begins whenever we decide to begin.

So start today! And if you stumble over the first efforts to change, you can just start again. Every conflict is an opportunity to improve your attitudes, and thus your level of peace. Try it. Ready, set…go! 

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