Photo credit: Deena Rueveni

One of the hardest but most necessary things to truly change ourselves is to take full responsibility for our every thought, feeling, and action. Any diversions into blame or resentment toward others keeps us well and truly stuck.

No one can make us think, feel, or do anything!

The opposite is also true: we cannot make anyone else think, feel, or do anything either.

We and we alone are responsible for ourselves. Others are fully responsible for themselves.

That means we can no longer say, “You made me feel…” or “You made me do it.” And we no longer have to accept blame from others.

How do you know are personally responsible? Take this test.

One of the best ways to gauge your personal responsibility is watching your behavior when things don’t go well, or the way you expected. How would you react in these situations?

Scenario 1

When a close family member gets angry with you, do you:

• Listen without reacting
• Consider your part in the situation
• Respond calmly
• Acknowledge appropriate accountability

Or do you:

• Scream back
• Justify your actions
• Storm out
• Accept all blame

Scenario 2

When you make a mistake, do you:

• Take time to think over your actions
• Acknowledge you might have had poor judgment
• Consider how it affected others
• Apologize or make amends for any harm caused

Or do you:

• Get angry with others
• Blame yourself or others
• Beat up on yourself
• Have trouble letting it go

Overly blaming yourself is as bad as blaming others. Both emphasize the extremes of responsibility – taking too much is as damaging as taking too little. The trick is finding some balance.

Some suggestions for finding balance with personal responsibility

• Watch your reactions. When accused of something, don’t react immediately. Give yourself time to pause and think it over. Wait until you can sort through your part before responding, if it is even necessary.
• Let go of the past. If you find yourself obsessing over something you “did wrong,” remember that the past is over and cannot be changed. Spend some time on what exactly you feel you messed up and get a reality check on it before apologizing to anyone.
• Think things over. After you overreact to someone, take time to think over what triggered the emotion. Talk it over with a friend and determine what action you need to take with the person you dumped on.
• Put aside your ego. The best challenge here is working with children and those in subordinate positions to you. When you make a mistake, how much resistance do you have to admitting it and apologizing?
• Take nothing personally. Others’ reactions to you are theirs. You didn’t cause them, just as they didn’t cause yours. Focus only on your own motivations without expecting others to admit their part in situations.

How do you show up for personal responsibility?

Review the 10 traits of personal change:

1. Self-awareness
2. Desire to feel better
3. Belief that it is possible to feel better
4. Rigorous self-honesty
5. Humility
6. Open-mindedness
7. Detachment from others
8. Willingness
9. Persistence
10. Personal responsibility

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