Finding Peace of Mind After a Conflict Depends on No One But Yourself
28Conflict has always been extremely frightening to me. My instinct was to avoid it, hoping the problem would “just go away.” I could not imagine facing the difficulty head on, I just did not have the skills. I preferred living in hell, torturing myself with “I should have saids,” and “I wish I hadn’ts,” to finding the courage to talk directly with the person.
I have overcome this avoidance behavior through intensive work in rebuilding my ability to value myself without reference to anyone or anything else. Until I had this firm footing, conflict with another threatened devastating effects on my inner security.
Today I follow these steps to address a conflict. The process brings me peace no matter how the other person responds.
Inner Work First
1. Get clear about:
- How I feel – identify the feelings.
- What I was reacting to – the behavior/situation/activity that my feelings arose from.
- That I am responsible for my reaction, no matter how “bad” the other person’s behavior.
2. Look at my part in the situation – can I admit to myself the role I played?
3. Decide if I need to make amends for my part.
4. Determine what I want to say to the person to express myself.
5. Explore my motives for saying it.
6. Practice expressing my feelings with a trusted friend or write them down before communicating with the person I’ve had the conflict with.
Working with the Other Person
1. Come from a place of clear intention and good will.
2. Express my feelings clearly, factually, and with no blame for the other person.
- To do this, use “I” statements so that I stay in my perspective and to reduce temptation to comment on the other person’s intentions, motivations, behavior, or attitudes.
3. Admit my part in the conflict and make amends if I’ve decided that’s important for me.
4. Ask for what I’d like/need from the other person to feel resolved now, or to deal with a similar situation in the future with that person.
5. Stay detached from the other person’s response (good or bad).
6. Stay centered in my good intentions.
7. Let go of the outcome.
If I don’t feel safe bringing up the topic with the person, or that I won’t be able to do it calmly, I have choices. I can wait until I am ready, or I can choose an alternative mode of communication, such as writing a letter or e-mail. This gives me time and distance to gather my thoughts and express them more clearly than if being in the person’s presence will throw me off track.
What I’ve found for myself is that this process gives me relief and a feeling of freedom. In taking these steps, I am able to know that I’ve done all I can to attempt resolution of the conflict. I can’t control how the other person will respond, and that’s ok. I find that when I am motivated to speak from my own perspective and feelings, with no blame for the other person, I can release the negative feelings no matter how the other person responds.
How do you resolve conflict?
survivalguru
February 24, 2010OMG I am so like that too, i would avoid any conflict no matter what, I hate confrontation, even to this day, i guess this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, I like number #3 of your list. I think my problem is I always made amends even if it wasn’t my fault. Great Stuff.
wolflinda
February 24, 2010I know, and have you noticed that making amends or saying we’re sorry too soon and without reflection actually does not help us feel better or resolve the situation?! Thanks for stopping by.
Archan Mehta
February 24, 2010Linda:
Thanks for your post. I am a peace-loving person and don’t like conflict. Not at all.
Forget about resorting to violence, even raising my voice is quite difficult for a person like me.
I am not a shy person, but rather quiet. This silence helps me to focus more on my work.
Unfortunately, sometimes people can be difficult and inter-personal issues can occur.
We have all encountered people who are in a bad mood and such people can be mean and nasty; they can make critical comments, which you may not appreciate. But that’s life.
Later, I found some of these people had health issues, such as blood pressure, heart, etc.
Personally, if you are ready to make certain lifestyle choices, you can actually prevent such conflicts from rearing their ugly heads.
This is not always the case, but it is sometimes the case.
And if a conflict does occur anyway, it is better to have a dialogue and find a solution. Pointing fingers and playing the blame game is not helpful because it fails to resolve the issue.
wolflinda
February 24, 2010Archan,
You make a really good point about what I call detachment – other people have their reasons for being in a bad mood, or combative, or reactive, and it usually has nothing to do with us. Letting others have their emotional state and not be affected by it is a wonderful skill – and if you can do it, it often contributes to avoiding a conflict altogether – as Rani points out in her comments. I so agree with you about avoiding blame, as well. What a useless exercise!
Thanks so much for your comments.
Best,
Linda
Paul
February 24, 2010Linda,
Thank you for sharing your strategy for dealing with conflict.
In my younger days I use to be a little ‘hot headed’; fortunately I have mellowed with age. I am now more likely to assess how I deal with any sign of conflict, looking at my own errors first.
I much prefer the new me!
Regards
Paul
wolflinda
February 24, 2010Paul, that takes a lot of self-honesty and courage – where did you find it/learn it do you think? Especially for men, I think anger is taught as a way to deal with conflict, and it usually makes everything so much worse…Linda
Paul
February 25, 2010Linda,
I think it’s just a case of waking up to reality and finding a ‘soul mate’. I’m a long way off where I want to be but I do feel I’m heading in the right direction.
Regards
Paul
wolflinda
February 26, 2010Paul,
Mmm, interesting. Have you heard the saying, “Getting into a relationship is like putting miracle gro on your character defects”? Ha. I find I get to deal with a lot of my “stuff” in my relationship. It’s great. Good stuff!
Linda
Rani Bora
February 24, 2010Hi Linda,
A degree of inner reflection needs to come first – absolutely agree! When we just mumble an apology too soon and still hold the other responsible for their (major) part in the conflict, we will be carrying around some baggage from that conflict when it could have been dealt with and resolved. Imagine all the junk we can collect and hoard over the years if we keep doing just that.
I do wonder how things would be different if we were to maintain our peace of mind DURING the conflict or better still, just before one brews up? And, is it possible for one to aim for and achieve that?
P.S – Thought I will add a new twist to my comments this once
wolflinda
February 24, 2010Rani, Wow, yes, staying calm when a conflict is brewing, that is a challenge for sure. I know people with long fuses and short fuses…I’ve got a pretty long one, but then when it pops, I’m gone, and I don’t always know it’s about to happen. A lot of my work on myself is to be in a calmer, more peaceful, and more centered (read integrity) place, so that I am less reactive to the world in general. It definitely works. I agree with you and highly recommend it.
– Linda
Conflict Boss
February 25, 2010I know that most people say they do not like conflict. However, conflict is good because it brings about change. It is really how you handle conflict that makes the difference. I think what makes people uncomfortable is that they do not have the skills to manage conflict, therefore they avoid it or confront it and intensify the situation.
I always find that it is best to look at the interests of the person you have conflict with. Then examine your own interests. In doing so, you should be able to come up with some creative resolutions that hopefully meet the needs of both parties.
Great blog! I offer conflict coaching services at my site as well… http://www.conflictboss.com.
I work in the field of dispute resolution and have found that it really has such a great impact on so many lives.
wolflinda
February 25, 2010Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’m fascinated by conflict resolution and am looking for ways to help my teenager learn the skills and apply them to school situations. The earlier we learn these skills, the more fulfilling a life we can lead, I think. And I think you’re right about conflict offering opportunity for change – certainly big growth.
Maria Brophy
February 26, 2010Wow, I just had a HUGE blow up with a client who broke our agreement (he’s a friend, too, which makes it hurt even more).
I’ve been so upset, and then I saw your link to this article on Twitter. Talk about perfect timing.
Thanks – great post. I’m still not sure of all the answers to these questions, but they are good ones.
Now I regret telling him off as badly as I did. I shouldn’t have been so extremely harsh.
wolflinda
February 26, 2010Maria,
So glad to see you here. I think regret can be a clue that one behaved in a way that doesn’t align with one’s integrity. In this case, maybe you reacted (in my experience, usually reaction is triggered by past baggage, not necessarily what just happened) before you could think through your position. The process I’ve developed for myself gives me a way back to feeling good about myself – no matter what the other person does or doesn’t do. In my opinion, there’s no need for regret – rather, use the feelings and the experience to examine how you tick, determine if you need to address this directly with the person or just within yourself, and decide if or how you’d change your response in a future similar situation.
Thanks for visiting!
Best,
Linda
Linda
terry
February 26, 2010I absolutely hate conflict. I have battled this my whole life. But, as I get older I have gotten so much better with telling people what I really think. It is the one thing about aging that I actually like…you can keep the hot flashes…but the wisdom to know I have choices and can confront a situation is really nice.
wolflinda
February 26, 2010Terry,
Yes, I hear that a lot about aging lending weight to our ability to just be ourselves. I think that must correlate to the development of comfort with and trust in ourselves…Speaking one’s mind implies a certain letting go of other people’s opinions of us, which requires a strong sense of self, inner core. Do you agree?
Linda
Patty - Why Not Start Now
February 26, 2010Such a thoughtful way to approach conflict, Linda. I actually used to teach conflict resolution in one of my classes, and it is true that you teach what you need to learn. It helped me a lot. The biggest thing I remember after all these years is this: conflict is neither good or bad, it just is. Interesting how many people don’t like it though. Lately I’ve been training to add relationship coaching to my repertoire, and one of the most interesting things is that conflict in a relationship is natural and normal, to be expected even. When couples begin to realize that, it can change everything. Thanks for thoughtful post!
wolflinda
February 26, 2010Patty,
So interesting that you taught conflict resolution – it’s something I’m interested in finding a class/guide for to help my teenager who is interested in learning these skills and helping others with mediation. That’s a great insight about relationship coaching and the inevitability of conflict. I find in my partner relationship that our most intense conflicts are those in which we are bringing our historical baggage, reacting to each other out of past issues. When we can clear that and be present, we do really well. But it’s really good to have the old stuff come up, too, because it is a way, at least for me, of processing and letting go of that past pain. Thanks for your visit!
Linda
Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities
February 26, 2010So thrilled to have found your blog. This is such an important topic that has bearing in all of our lives… How we deal with conflict informs how we lead our lives in general and, ultimately, who we are as people.
Can’t wait to poke around here some more! Thanks for your thoughtful comment on my blog.
wolflinda
February 26, 2010Thanks for coming by, Aidan. I found you through your reader Celeste who posted on Belinda Munoz’ blog, The Halfway Point. So glad to find, you, too. Is your book fiction or non? So exciting. I wish you the best of luck with it. -Linda
Robin Easton
March 01, 2010Dear Linda,
This is very wise and helpful. I relate to so many aspects of it. I also LOVE how you give options when you say that all conflict resolution doesn’t have to be face to face. We are often taught that if we don’t do it face to face that we are gutless. But I agree that sometimes it can seem too volatile, or too overwhelming and we might not be able to express our truth in the face of…say… someone who is very domineering, or someone who is very angry, or unreasonable, or someone who keeps interrupting and is incapable of allowing others to express their views…even done calmly.
So when you lovingly and wisely say that sometimes a letter or email may work best…for many reasons. We can gather our thoughts, often slow down, express ourselves more clearly without someone else trying to control or manipulate what we say. Writing a letter can be a HUGE step for some people to begin to not only express themselves, but to actually look at how they feel. And sometimes we can find that after writing a letter we don’t even need to send it. We have reached a natural conclusion in ourselves and that is all that’s needed.
And…I REALLY related to these lines and have found it very true in my own life: “In taking these steps, I am able to know that I’ve done all I can to attempt resolution of the conflict. I can’t control how the other person will respond, and that’s ok.”
This is beautifully expressed Linda! I have found there is great power and peace in taking the steps “I” need to, even if the other person does nothing. That REALLY is okay. The bottom line is that I have done all I can. As a result I feel a wonderful sense of freedom and letting go. I’ve learned that the resolution isn’t really about what the other person does or doesn’t do; it’s about whether I’ve done all “I” need to do. It really is about me coming to terms with myself.
Thank you for the beauty and wisdom here, Linda. Hugs to you, Robin.
wolflinda
March 01, 2010Robin,
So funny, I was just thinking of you this morning. As always, your comments are so thoughtful and insightful. Isn’t it amazing to know we have the tools inside ourselves to feel good no matter what? I love becoming aware of and better aligned with my own integrity. Not only is it keeping me from getting into the scrapes in the first place, but it guides me to know the best step to take to make amends or take care of myself in the situation, and to have peace even while working through it.
Hugs back!
Linda
Mick Morris
March 02, 2010another great set of questions from Linda… anyone who follows your lead with these should do a much better job of dealing with conflict.
wolflinda
March 02, 2010Thanks, Mick! How do you deal with conflict? -Linda
lee
March 07, 2010Anger hate who do you appreciate. The bottom line is until we learn to be assertive, not passive, not aggressive, not passive aggressive, we will have difficulty in relationships.
We have to appreciate ourselves and show others that we do, not always easy, don’t get me sideways, just takes practice..
I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I’m going to tell you what I think and feel. If I’m angry, it’s ok if i say that to you, If you hurt my feelings, I’m going to tell you. If you compliment me, I’m going to say thank you. Takes practice but self-worth is important.
wolflinda
March 08, 2010Lee,
I like what you’re describing about just being straight up, with no intent other than to be clear and honest. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” I try to live by it too. Thanks for coming by and commenting!
Linda
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