Photo credit: Erica Marshall

It doesn’t seem to make sense, but when we desperately want relief from stress and anxiety, the thing to do is dive straight into our emotional pain.

It’s so counterintuitive – we’re trying to get rid of pain, why would we jump right into it?

Because:

Avoiding pain means we get to keep it – whether we suppress it, ignore it, or express it inappropriately. This keeps us sick.

But:

Facing pain ultimately leads to healing – by understanding its source, addressing the causes, and eventually letting it go. This is the path to health.

About Pain

Many of us walk around in pain, though it may take different forms. Angry outbursts; fear-based thinking; constant anxiety; high stress levels; depression (an attempt to subdue emotional pain); even overly perky and positive attitudes can mask inner despair.

Everyone in pain seeks relief. The methods are wide and varied, and some more successful than others. Just like any wound, we have choices for treatment. We can ignore it, try temporary fixes, or seek true healing.

Avoidance, or “The Band-Aid Approach”

There are many methods or “coping mechanisms” for avoiding our pain. These include depression, anger and outburst issues, isolation and withdrawal, and addiction, among others. For a time, these methods seem to work. The pain is dulled, and we might even feel good momentarily.

For example, practicing addiction – whether to substances or behaviors – can bring temporary relief when one:

• puts a drug in one’s body (drug addiction)
• flushes a drug-addicted loved one’s stash down the toilet (for the umpteenth time) (codependence addiction)
• accomplishes something in order to receive other people’s approval (performance addiction)
• buys a (probably unnecessary) new item (shopping addiction)
• overeats sugary items (sugar addiction)
• smokes (nicotine addiction)

Such relief is not true healing. It is merely distraction, avoidance, or denial of pain. Over time, our methods become less effective. Unfortunately, because of their compulsive nature, addictions keep ahold of us even when they no longer provide relief. Other methods of avoidance lead to similarly entrenched positions.

All of these approaches begin as the best solution we can find for our inner pain, but in reality they are just Band-Aids on the ugly, oozing wound of emotional devastation.

And worse, our attempts to avoid pain end up becoming part of the barrier to truly getting better. Addiction becomes a compulsive habit we have no control over. Depression becomes a deeper and deeper hole of despair. Isolation breeds isolation. And all make it difficult to reach out for help.

It is possible to overcome our dysfunctional coping mechanisms, but not without addressing the source of pain. When we try to fix our pain with willpower, quit addictions “cold turkey,” or “white knuckle” through it, we are still merely avoiding the real problem.

To Find Peace, Face the Pain

There’s only one way to heal emotional pain.

Face it!

Turn around and take it on. Stop ignoring the oozing wound and start cleaning it out, medicating it, and carefully tending to it. This requires self-knowledge, commitment, and persistent follow-through.

These ideas may help:

A Process for Addressing Pain

This can take many forms – from therapy and 12-step groups to organized religion and other self-help programs. Every individual must find their own most effective method or combination of tools.

Support from Others

To do the painful work, we need help. Trying to “do it alone” has led to many of our unhealthy behaviors and kept us stuck. Look for a support network of friends, family, and institutions that understand your pain and won’t judge you.

An Excellent Self-care Program

To face deep pain, much of which we’ve carried around for years, it’s critical to take good care of ourselves. Daily attention to the basics – eating, sleeping, exercising – gives us the strength to focus on emotional wounds. Spiritual self-care includes asking for help when we need it, taking breaks from intense work, being gentle with ourselves, and using self-discipline but not self-flagellation.

Time

Think of it as a long haul. We’ve carried this painful burden for however many years and it will take some time to put it down and clear the effects. Look for the resources and support to sustain the effort. This is a marathon, not a sprint!

Remember, Pain is Good!

Pain tells us there is something to work on. It’s a messenger, and if we listen, it will lead us to the places we need to heal. If we let it, pain can be our friend. It points to the vulnerable spots in our lives, and helps us focus a healing energy on them.

So let us be grateful for pain. Do not wallow in it, but look to it for guidance into the heart of the problem. Use pain as a starting point for healing.

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Photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt

This week Insanely Serene joined Facebook. I felt an urge to engage on a more regular basis with serenity seekers, and I’m just not writing enough blog posts (so sorry, my dear readers)! It was such a good idea. It’s like the creativity dam broke and serenity started flowing! The page invites commentary, video, images, and conversation, all of which I took advantage of this week to express thoughts and ideas.

What I realized (once again) from the experience is how much better it is to travel the path with others. We hear new ideas, open our perspectives, learn about resources and people and books and songs and videos on that which fascinates us most. When I’m discouraged or distraught, the best possible action I can take is to reach out to a friend. Even journaling (arguably talking to another entity) does not fully purge the need to vent. So, my friends are essential. Thank you to everyone who has wandered by the Facebook page! I’m excited by the conversations and opportunities to share serenity.

In honor of friends, here are some thoughts on what makes a good one:

Generosity – Give from their heart, not out of obligation

Kindness – Love our strengths and help deal with the weaknesses

Nonjudgment – Love us exactly where we are, though don’t take any guff (see boundaries)

Humor – Help us laugh at ourselves

Ability to Listen – Know that sometimes all we need to do is vent without advice or “fixing”

Good Boundaries – Take care of themselves and let us know how they operate best in the friendship

Kick Butt – Share honestly when they think we’re heading down the wrong road

Most of all, a good friend lets us be who we are, and helps us figure it out when we’re unsure.

When it comes to making friends, whenever possible, avoid gossip, criticism, blame, judge, complaint, and unkindness.

The list could go on – add yours to the comments!

And speaking of Facebook and friendship, here’s a video a friend of mine posted of two young friends singing together and enjoying the heck out of it:

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Photo credit: mihradio

I’ve shared with you before that my lifelong goal has been peace of mind – an escape from worry, relief from constant anxiety. In my years pursuing peace, I’ve discovered this: each of us must carve a path for ourselves. No matter how appealing someone else’s methods or process, we must still make them our own.

Every one of us, then, creates our own path to peace – we must place the cobblestones, clear the meadows, lay the planks. Not one of us waltzes down someone else’s yellow brick road into nirvana.

However, it helps to learn of others’ journeys. Hearing others, walking with them for some part of the path, sharing our own travels with others – all of this makes it easier.

A friend of mine shares the wisdom of his (redneck) ancestors this way: “Everything is easy – if you know how!” It applies to anything you can think of – cars, radios, and computers, sure, but also relationships, sex, making money, and, yes, even finding peace of mind.

Peace is possible – when you know how.

Walk with me awhile today and I’ll share some of the insights I’ve gained that make peace easier. Use them on your journey, weave them into your own tapestry, transform them into stepping stones of your own.

These ideas, when I truly live them, bring me instant peace of mind.

#1 Let GO of Control

Yes, we’re starting with the big one. When we let go of our need to control, we have a lot more peace of mind. Because thinking we can control anything (other than ourselves) is crazy-making. Willpower – to make someone be who I want them to be, to make a situation turn out how I want it to, to force a solution because I think it’s right – brings only worry, tension, and anxiety…everything BUT peace.

When we let go of needing to control the outcomes, and simply focus on our own responsibilities for that moment or day, we get huge relief.

How we let go of control may be very individual. I use prayer and meditation, a box into which I put scraps of paper with my worries, positive words and phrases, reminders to “stop thinking,” readings, writings, signs and pictures on my walls and mirrors…whatever I can do to make the idea of letting go tangible and concrete.

You’ll find your own ways to let go. It’s got to work for you. Try not to delay until everything you let go of has claw marks in it.

#2 Get Present

The best antidote I’ve ever found for worry is getting present. When I’m in the moment, focusing on the thing right in front of me, I don’t have space in my brain for the past or the future. It can be as simple as washing the dishes; as long as I pay attention and put my mind where my body is, I get peace of mind.

Try it. Pay attention to what you’re doing in the course of a day. When your mind wanders off the task at hand, remind yourself to focus on the immediate action needed. If you’re having trouble with #2, return to practicing #1! Because anytime we worry excessively, we’re focused on things we have no control over. The only answer is to let it go.

#3 Develop Faith

Whether one believes in God or not, faith can help move us out of fear and into peace. Faith can be as simple as believing the sun will rise each day and give us another chance to do our best.

We can develop faith in our own abilities to make it through life’s challenges, or we can focus on faith in others, looking for the efforts of those around us to improve their lives.

We can develop faith by reflecting on our own lives for the times we’ve weathered storms and grown stronger without giving in to negativity. Faith is acknowledging that we’re still here and still trying to improve ourselves.

Look for some meaning or order in the world around us – that’s the basis for having faith that our own lives can unfold for the better.

#4 Take Responsibility Only for What’s in Your Control

Half and probably more of my worries were due to things outside my control – other people’s feelings and actions, what was going to happen tomorrow at work, world events, the outcome of tonight’s baseball game. When I was able to separate these from my real responsibilities, I found a lot more peace of mind.

My real responsibilities are very similar to yours. We are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Period, end of story. We can’t control how others react to us, what world leaders will decide, or whether it will rain tomorrow. We can’t control whether the boss has a tantrum, the bus is late and we miss an appointment, or the family pet gets sick and needs to go to the vet.

But we can control this:

How we respond to the things we can’t control.

• We can practice calm in the face of reactions and tantrums
• We can decide how much of the news we take in and discuss with others
• We can put an umbrella in our car
• We can work on acceptance for all the delays, unexpected events, and surprises that life never stops throwing our way

I hope that these experiences with finding serenity might make your travels a little lighter. Perhaps they will become bricks in your own path. Take the ideas that help with you, and contribute your own in the comments section.

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Photo credit: fallingwater123

Peace of mind is a constant goal…but there always seems to be something that gets in the way.

I call it a bugaboo.

That niggling thing – a thought, a feeling, a behavior – that just keeps getting diverting us from peace. It could be a big thing – say, an addiction, or something less physical but just as detracting – like perfectionism, or worry, or negativity…there are so many peace stoppers – so many bugaboos!

A bugaboo is like a boogeyman – a threat of harm constantly in the back of the mind.

That boogeyman that haunts me – just around the corner, just out of sight, but ready to pounce on any extended period of serenity – is anxiety. The worry might focus on various aspects of life – work, finances, family – but the feeling behind it is the same: something (that I can’t quite put my finger on) is not right in my world.

And I just want to feel like everything’s “ok.” Seems like a no-brainer – just stop worrying and I should be ok. Right?

Wrong.

My mind slips into the rut of anxiety out of habit, comfort, familiarity, determination to control my world through this behavior of worrying.

So how do we banish our bugaboos?

The best way to beat off the boogeyman’s threat to peace is to short-circuit the thinking, rational mind.

It seems counter-intuitive – isn’t the rational mind essential to survival? It tells us when there’s danger, helps us analyze situations and take action. But unless we can turn it off when there is no real threat, it keeps us agitated. The controlling mind is hypervigilant, always on the look-out, waiting for the next threat even when the horizon’s clear.

So we need to outwit the boogeyman of the mind.

Here are some ways to go around it, ignore it, or just plain shut it off:

• Get present – focus on what you are doing right now, and throw yourself into it whole-heartedly.
• Read something uplifting – Collect a stack of books, articles, or other materials that give you a lift whenever you read them.
• Make a gratitude list – Gratitude is an excellent method for mainlining positivity – it leaves no room for negative thinking.
• Go to a quiet place – Whether a church, a walk in nature, a meditation spot, or even a virtual place in the mind – it’s the space where we connect with quieter thoughts and peaceful feelings, and whatever representation of a greater spirit we might imagine.
• Reach out – Ask for help with the bugaboo from those who are good at listening – sometimes we just need to express our concerns to someone who cares.
• Move – Sometimes getting physical helps shake out the cobwebs and get the mind into a meditative flow.
• Use your creativity – When we get creative, we taps into a source of well-being; doing something we love banishes the demons.
• Practice your spirituality – Defined in whatever way makes sense to each of us – connecting with the spirit helps us move out of the crazy, controlling mind and into calmer, more peaceful thoughts.

What’s your bugaboo and how do you face it down?

 
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Photo credit: D. Sharon Pruitt

Anyone get this message growing up: “Think of yourself first!”? What, nobody? In fact, most of us learned the very opposite – “How selfish to put yourself before others! Put others’ needs first.”

Isn’t putting others before ourselves a selfless act? It seems to make sense, but here’s the problem:

When we give before we have a full tank, we just empty our reserves.

A car goes nowhere without gas. We do no good when we give from nothing. The lesson we’re missing is not that it’s a bad idea to give to others, but that giving when we don’t have the energy leads to negative consequences.

When we give on an empty energy tank, we drain our resources – physical, mental, and emotional. Rather than feel good for the effort, we end up resentful, angry, frustrated, and self-pitying.

But filling our own energy means thinking of ourselves first. It means taking care of our needs, and making sure we are emotionally stable, physically comfortable, and mentally calm before we give anything to anybody.

How do we get around the ingrained belief that this is heresy – not only selfish but socially unacceptable?

I’ll tell you how I made the switch:

I realized that when I said yes to doing something with a friend that I didn’t feel like doing, I was acting from the wrong motivations. I thought I was doing it for them and their enjoyment. Yet when I showed up, I tended to be in a bad mood, didn’t enjoy myself, and had trouble hiding my attitude. My energy was not great, and whether my friend picked up on it consciously or not, it was going to affect our relationship. At the very least I walked away resentful.

How much better to be honest with them, reschedule for a better time, and do what I really want to with that time? I found that when I attended to my needs first, I ended up with a better mood and attitude to bring to the next interaction with someone else.

In the beginning, taking care of our own needs is slow and incremental – identifying what they are, understanding how to meet them, taking the right actions to feel comfortable. At first, putting ourselves first feels uncomfortable and selfish. But ultimately, self-care leads to true altruism.

al·tru·ism
noun
1. the principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare of others (opposed to egoism).
—Random House Dictionary

Taking care of our own needs – physical, mental, emotional – puts us in a place of comfort and safety. From there, we are able to think of others without being threatened or needy. We give from a place of fullness, not emptiness. From a sincere desire to help, not from obligation. We give without expectation of reciprocation and walk away without resentment.

Love yourself and you will be more capable of loving others.

Of course, we also need to learn the balance of meeting our needs comfortably versus going overboard. As they say, moderation in all things.

I have a need for solitude. Yet I live with my family and several pets. I have an extended family and work obligations. If I work day after day, always put my children or spouse’s needs before mine, and leave myself no down time or writing space, I become irritable and grumpy. I get resentful of others in my space and I feel depressed or angry about all the tasks I am taking on for others.

When I make sure I have a night a week or a weekend day to myself, to read, to garden, to walk, whatever I feel like – I feel refreshed. I want to help my family, I enjoy making calls or doing errands for them, and I feel good inside. I enjoy their appreciation but I don’t need it. I am giving because I have enough, and now want to help someone else. This kind of giving feels good.

If I took a week off in the middle of my child’s prep for a big event, or backed out of showing up for a friend’s performance to take a night off, that would feel selfish. The balance comes from considering my needs and others, and making time and space for myself in the proper context.

Caring is a cycle. We must have a source for caring energy, and that comes from taking care of ourselves first. Only then can we pass it along. When we give it to ourselves by addressing our needs first, we are in a position to pass that care along to someone else who needs a little help. We feel good and continue to take care of our needs, increasing the amount of care we are capable of sharing. Ideally, others are doing the same.

What can you do today to identify and care for one of your needs? Does it feel good? Do you feel freed up to help someone else without expectation of return? Share your experience.

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Photo credit: Josh Fassbind

mis·take
–noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

There is no such thing as a mistake.

If someone had told me that years ago, I would not have believed it. Then, I thought nearly everything I did and said was just wrong. I made myself miserable over mis-steps, mis-statements, mistakes. I got so caught up in my errors that they became obsessions.

It took many years, much pain, a lot of experience, and even more practice, but I came to this truth:

There is no such thing as a mistake, as long as we learn from it.

The most successful people make more mistakes than achievements. It is simply not possible to be perfect at something at first try. In fact, it’s rare than anyone – even the most accomplished musician, athlete, actor, dancer, engineer, writer – ever does anything perfectly.

So what if, instead of shooting for perfection, we aimed for growth? If a mistake is an error from lack of thought or knowledge, we can use it as an indicator of an area needing improvement.

What would happen if the next time you made what you thought was a mistake, you did something different? Rather than beating yourself up or obsessing over what you did wrong, what if you instead chose to see your actions as positive?

Mistakes are mechanisms of change!

Every “mistake” is an opportunity to learn so that we can do something different the next time. Even if we keep making what seems to be the same mistake over and over again, we still do not have to despair. There is a lesson in there for us, if we just stay in awareness. Eventually we can gain insight into why we are doing what we do, and what could help us make a change.

When I lived with an alcoholic, I kept making the mistake of arguing with him about ending his drinking and going into treatment. It always ended poorly – either he agreed he needed help and then just kept drinking, giving me false hope, or he argued that my attitude drove him to drink. Even though I knew it wasn’t helping, I could not stop the behavior until I gained the insight that his drinking was completely out of my control. Nothing I said or did had any effect. But I could work on my own attitudes, and when I did that, over time I was able to stop arguing with him and focus instead on improving my own life.

Mistakes are human. And that’s a good thing. Our errors do not define us.

We are not mistakes. We make mistakes. And we can learn from them.

So it’s not that we need to stop making errors – it’s that we must stop judging ourselves for them. Rather, let us embrace and look at mistakes as opportunities to learn, grow, change and become better for the experience.

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Photo credit: MaximeF

When a storm of life passes through, whipping up turbulence around us, we feel no control over our destiny. Things are happening to us, and it seems the best response is to be defensive. Reacting to the storm out of fear, we may lash out to push through it or turn inward to protect ourselves. Either reaction, however, only produces negative consequences. For instance, if someone is unkind in the workplace, we might respond sarcastically, which only escalates the situation. Or we hold onto it for days, obsessing over what we did wrong. Both responses feel bad.

I hate feeling bad. And yet I’ve spent much of my life in a negative or neutral (read “depressed”) emotional state. The mindset was so pervasive it became my default, actually becoming “comfortable.” I lived many years in comfortable discomfort. But something was missing. I didn’t want to be comfortable with feeling bad. I wanted those feelings to go away. I didn’t expect to feel good all the time, I just wanted less negativity. More than anything – more than fixing the situation, more than making others be who I wanted them to be, even more than wishing I was someone else – I wanted peace of mind. I wanted to feel easy, no matter what kind of weather was swirling around me.

I was missing peace.

As it turns out, there actually is a way to feel good, or at least peaceful, even (and especially) when the we’re in the middle of a storm, and the world disagrees with us at that moment. It’s possible to have peace of mind when going through a difficult divorce, losing a loved one, or fighting with a friend – even when that driver cuts us off and flips us the finger!

How Can We Find Peace When Things Go Bad?

The process of changing our responses, the ones that lead to feeling bad, can be long, slow, and incremental – so don’t put on the pressure for instant results. It involves taking determined steps forward. There will also be almost as many taken backwards. In this way we train ourselves out of familiar negative reactions into more positive and peaceful responses.

So, practice these principles:

Stay Centered

Like a tree stays rooted when winds buffet its branches, we can put down spiritual roots that keep us from swaying or falling off balance when “things” happen. Just because our boss goes ballistic on us, we have a fight with our partner, or our kids act out does not mean we have to uproot ourselves mentally. Peace is always possible when we center ourselves rather than get triggered by everything else.

How do we stay rooted? First, we have to know where our center is. This is achieved through the process of self-discovery, getting to know and accept who we are with all our beauties and blemishes. Then, once we know our own values and integrity, we must stick to them! Holding our ground is extra challenging when we get resistance, which leads to the next idea.

Don’t React

Many of us have knee-jerk reactions to events and people around us, many of which stem from our past patterns. The analogy here is the needle in the record album – the more you play the same song, the more the needle follows the same groove, sometimes carving so deeply it can’t move to a new song track.

How do we jump the rut? Awareness is the first step, always. Recognizing where and when we react is key to deciding to do something differently. Then we have to practice moving the needle from the groove – this is where we practice taking a step forward. We detach from the other person. Instead of yelling back at someone, imagine a zipper over your mouth and keep it closed. Pause, listen, and consider a different response. Every time you have an interaction you don’t feel good about, look at your behavior and ask whether there is anything you could change the next time.

Focus on the Things We Can Control

“Feeling bad” comes from wishing other people were different, behaved “better,” said the right things, or felt the way we wanted them to feel. But by focusing on controlling others, we make ourselves miserable. It’s impossible. But with detachment, it’s much more possible to let go of things we cannot control and instead focus on what we can.

So what can we control? Our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Our own attitudes and words. Even these can sometimes run rampant. I won’t lie; learning to control ourselves and to respond in measured and peaceful ways is work. But with practice we can make progress and improve on our own mistakes.

Accept Reality

We create our own suffering by resisting what is happening – “What you resist, persists” (Carl Jung). If your partner asks for a divorce that you don’t want, it’s important to acknowledge the issues rather than deny or avoid them. If your son develops a drug addiction, railing against him may not help as much as educating yourself about the problem.

It’s a normal human reaction to put our heads in the sand when a storm approaches, but ultimately that approach causes more damage than facing the challenge head on. (Remember: “Head on! Apply directly to the forehead.”)

Comfort Ourselves

Suffering is no fun, but we alone are responsible for increasing or decreasing our experience of it – “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional” (Buddhist proverb). Though we may think the situation or “someone else” is to blame, we generate our own misery. And, we can provide our own comfort. Even in the midst of a crisis or emergency, it is possible to keep a calm and peaceful head.

How can we create our own comfort? We develop a library of resources: friends we can vent with; mentors to offer advice; pets to offer undemanding company; books that inspire us; food that comforts us; spaces that sustain us. By surrounding ourselves with the tools that meet our needs, we build a repertoire of comfort that we can draw on when crisis hits.

Practice Compassion

There is a spiritual tenet that what we want for ourselves we extend to others. If we want peace, ease, serenity in difficult circumstances, we can imagine the same for others. This is particularly powerful when applied to the people we may be in conflict with. It’s not general – say, wishing for world peace, but specific – like praying that your ex finds a loving new partner after acrimonious proceedings.

We can also apply compassion to ourselves. We may be in pain over difficult circumstances, but we don’t have to make things worse by judging ourselves harshly over how we respond. Rather, we can apply understanding and kindness to ourselves and take steps to behave differently in the future.

Putting Principles into Action

I recently lost a close family member and was not able to say goodbye in person. It was hard to miss that last interaction with him, to hold his hand and kiss his cheek. I had to apply the principles above:

Stay centered – I focused on what I knew of our relationship, that we loved each other and had spent some good time together. I reflected on any unresolved issues or things unsaid and realized there were none. All of this gave me peace

Don’t react – While I had some strong feelings about missing the opportunity to say goodbye, I did not dump them on anyone or do damage to other relationships. Rather, I worked through my feelings with trusted friends, and was able to let go of the negativity.

Focus on the things we can control – I could not visit my loved one, but I could reflect on our relationship, send him positive thoughts, and reflect on the times we shared. I was able to say goodbye in my mind and to send him prayers of gratitude for the role he played in my life.

Comfort ourselves – I took full advantage of my support network, crying on my friends’ shoulders, surrendering to loving hugs, connecting with family who could give me perspective. I slept well, ate good foods, and exercised to make sure my body had enough energy.

Accept reality – My loved one had passed and there was nothing I could change. I could stay stuck in pain and anger or I could accept the situation. I decided I would rather let go of what I couldn’t control and stay with the good memories I had of him. I also allowed my grief to naturally arise, be expressed appropriately, and pass through me.

Practice compassion – I realized that I was only one of many affected by this death, and that many others were in pain. By widening my perspective, and because I had comforted myself, I could extend kindness to others. I used my creativity to put together a photo album of family history and memories to share at the funeral.

The missing peace is within our grasp. We do not have to depend on anyone else or any other circumstances to find it. We just have to be willing to stand firm in our commitment to know ourselves when the storms of life swirl around us. 

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Apply directly to the forehead!

Presumably, it relieves pain of some sort. And you just need to repeat the treatment. I realized this concept – vague as it is – can be the beginning of a solution to the question I recently asked Insanely Serene readers – “What’s bugging you – what’s disturbing your serenity?”

The responses were incredibly varied – ranging from alcoholism to the American justice system. Despite this, I realized there are some simple serenity tools that can be applied – as the ad says, directly to the forehead! It takes repeated application and continual practice to make sure the tools take effect, but you will get results if you are persistent.

More specifically, the peace-disturbing questions included:

• How do I focus on what’s important during the day and not waste time?
• How can I stay sane when others around me seem to be flying off the handle?
• How do I deal with my perceived inadequacies?
• How can I be peaceful when the world is unfair and people treat each other unjustly?
• [Add your bugaboo here]

Here are two simple serenity practices to address every one of these questions:

1. Self-care – Know and take care of your needs first

Sanity and serenity in our daily lives require that we know our own needs and make sure to take care of them. Before turning our attention to anything else. Before work. Before kids. Before spouse, family, the bills – before anything else:

Know your own needs.

Many of us have this idea flipped – we think that by taking care of and focusing on others, we will ourselves be taken care of. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. But here’s the thing – we are not mind readers! No one can truly know the needs of another. We are responsible for knowing when we’re hungry, angry, tired, or lonely, and for having the wherewithal to find comfort and solace.

When we take care of our own needs, we are centered, comfortable in our bodies and minds, and much more available to pay attention to others and help them in appropriate ways. Taking care of our mental, physical, and spiritual needs leads to serenity.

So, the next time you are boggled by your bugaboo, ask yourself:

What do I need right now?

And then focus on the things you can actually do for yourself. Not the things you think you “need” others to do for you to feel better, like: Stop drinking! Get out of that funk! Don’t dump those hormones all over me! Fix the judicial system! No. Focus instead on the things you can do:

• Step back
• Take a breathe
• Take a break
• Read something inspiring
• Go for a walk
• Clear your head
• Say a prayer
• Get a cup of coffee or tea
• Talk to a friend who knows how to listen

Identify your need and take action to address it. Keep it simple.

Apply self-care. Directly. To the forehead.

2. Detach from others – with care, not disgust

The flip side of taking care of ourselves is separating ourselves from others. Not only must we be responsible for our own needs, we must let others be responsible for theirs.

Getting caught up in what others do, think, say, or feel, especially in relation to ourselves, is a huge peace-of-mind buster.

So here’s the trick:

Know where you end and others begin.

What? Stay calm while the teenage daughter rants about the unfairness of our rules without reacting defensively? Let the alcoholic stumble in drunk and sprawl unconscious all night on the living room floor rather than attempting to drag them to bed and letting them disturb our sleep? Fall to pieces when our work is judged instead of listening for constructive criticism and letting go of what isn’t true for us? How radical.

Detaching from others does not mean we don’t care what they do or say. It just means we don’t take it personally.

This is the application of the work of self-care. Knowing and taking care of our needs allows us to let others be who they are. Say what they say. Do what they do. Without getting sucked in or emotionally overwhelmed. So your teenager throws a tantrum. When you stay patient and factual and stick to your boundaries, respecting yourself and her, you’ll feel a whole lot more peaceful no matter what her response.

What’s Next?

Just because these practices are simple does not mean they’re easy. That’s why we must practice. Repeatedly. Practice doesn’t make us perfect. It can, however, make us peaceful.

So the next time you are focusing on a distraction during the day – a bad habit, a rebellious teen, your temptations to put yourself down, the unfairness of the world – stop and:

Apply Serenity Directly to the Forehead!

Tune in to yourself: What do you need, what would be best for you to focus on right now to restore sanity, how can you bring yourself to the present moment, reorient, check in with yourself and reassess your next move?

Do it. And let go of others.

When the anxiety arises again, stop and ask the questions again. As many times as it takes. Eventually, you won’t even have to hit yourself in the head so hard or so often. The practices of self-care and detachment will come naturally and serenity will flow more continuously. Head to toe. Top to bottom. Forehead to feet.

Persist!

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Photo credit: New Orleans Lady

Every now and again, I have a real breakthrough on my path to more peace of mind. As you know, peace of mind has been my life’s goal even when I didn’t know it, when all I had was constant anxiety.

Now that I know I’m after peace, and even have a few tools to accomplish it, I still only achieve it a small percentage of the time.

Why IS that? Am I – are we – so attached to suffering that we prefer it? It certainly seems that discomfort becomes comfortable, familiar, and thus preferred. Because otherwise, we have to change something, right? And change is scary, and difficult

So back to the breakthrough. One of the techniques I’ve used to calm my mind is replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. Often, I had to “act as if” I thought this would help – which was a way of fooling myself into trying something new. Sort of a “just do it” attitude. When walking to work, instead of letting my automatic anxious thoughts take over (“Oh my God, I have to get so much done today, and what if people don’t cooperate, and I can’t perform, and then I get in trouble for it…”), I’d consciously decide to repeat the serenity prayer (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”) in my head. As you might imagine, the latter works a lot better for calming the mind.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about my still rather persistent anxiety, which stems from wanting to control everything in my life, including other people. She made a suggestion that stopped me in my tracks.

What if, EVERY time an anxious thought arises, I replace it immediately with a positive thought or prayer?

EVERY time?

EVERY time.

This had never occurred to me. I always thought taking a few minutes in the morning to meditate and clear my mind was enough to start the day and carry me through. But if I’m really honest, my thinking mind takes over pretty much as soon as I stand up…

So here’s the bottom line:

To have more serenity, STOP THINKING.

Stop thinking does not mean to walk around in a trance state all day.

Rather, it’s a twist on what I imagine meditation is all about (since I’ve never developed a solid meditation habit, I’m only guessing here).

When the mind starts running you ragged – telling you all the things you’ve got to do, pushing you to higher and higher standards that simply aren’t possible, insisting you’re not doing well enough in the eyes of others, and on and on – hit the pause button.

In the words of Willy Wonka, “Wait! Stop! Reverse that.”

In our case, the case for peace of mind, “Pause. Stop that thought. Replace it!

What can we replace those thoughts with?

• Prayers.
• Affirmations.
• Jokes!
• Breathing.
• Readings.
• Anything that works for you.

The point is – put something else in there, and do it fast. Don’t let those anxious or negative thoughts take root. Tear them up quickly, and plant something else. Something positive.

Now I’m not saying this is the answer – there’s more to the effort than replacing thoughts – like working on changing one’s belief system (but that’s a post for another time). But it’s a start, and it’s a practice that opens the door to change.

For me, it’s working. I’m staying with negative thoughts for less time. I’m letting things go, much faster than usual. I’m less focused on others and their behavior. And I’m more trusting that things will work out.

Because here’s another secret:

Our mind is not our only power source – it’s not the only part of us that makes things happen.

I used to think it was. After all, it’s an American truism that we can make our lives be exactly what we want through willpower and effort. But the thinking mind is only part our sum total. There’s a lot more that we know – through life experience, through listening to others, through trusting the universe to give us answers and direction when we need them.

Letting go of control, thinking, and worrying gives us room for that other knowledge to arise. But we have to give it space.

So try it.

The next time you start worrying – pause. Say a prayer. An affirmation. Sing a song or hum to yourself. Open a book you find inspirational and read it. Look online for your favorite quotes. Watch a clip from your favorite movie. Tell a joke. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s positive. Stick that in your brain, and tell your thinking to take a hike, at least for this moment.

And if it comes back the next moment, do it again.

Eventually, you’ll have more and more space in your brain for calm and peace, and serenity will become a more constant companion.

That’s where I’m heading. I’m looking for you beside me on the path.

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Finding your path is up to you – though based on my experience, I recommend sampling from a variety of options before piecing together your own unique set of practices. It’s important to explore what feels like the right technique or set of techniques for you. My path happens to be a 12-step program, but I still consider many other practices to supplement and enhance my growth.

We started exploring techniques with the recent post from Jen Smith on How to Develop a Peace Habit – making a focus on peace a priority. This week, I invited blogger and author Angela Artemis of Powered by Intuition to share on her specialty – leveraging intuition as a guide to inner knowledge that can reduce stress levels and bring us more serenity. She ends with some practical suggestions for incorporating the technique into our daily lives. Enjoy!

To Increase Peace of Mind, Develop Your Intuition
by Angela Artemis, Powered by Intuition

Committing to a daily practice of intuition strengthening exercises increases your peace of mind.

There are many practical benefits of developing your intuition that I cover in my book, “The Intuition Principle.” Some of the many benefits are that it increases your creativity, problem solving abilities, confidence, competence, empathy and compassion, memory, luck, health, decision-making and focus but, the top two on the list are stress reduction and peace of mind.

Have you ever taken a video of your child on vacation at, say, a theme park like Disneyworld?

The camera captures the image of your child and all the people who are passing by plus, all the details of Disneyworld in the background.

Had you taken that same video with the zoom lens on you would see more of your child in the video and very little of Disneyworld.

Developing your intuition changes what you focus upon very much like using a zoom lens changes the focus of the video in the example.

When we narrow our focus from a “wide lens” to a “zoom lens” we remove distractions from pulling our thinking off in many directions and this reduces stress and increases peace of mind.

Origins of stress

Often stress is caused by having too many thoughts competing for your attention at one time. For example, your attention might be splintered by thoughts of everything you need to accomplish that is on your to-do list; how little time you have; fears of doing an inadequate job; worries about your children, spouse or aging parent and a myriad of other things all at the same time. No wonder you feel stressed. You are allowing your thoughts to take over and send you on a wild goose chase by every thought that enters your mind.

Meditation increases intuition and peace of mind

One of the best ways to heighten intuition is to commit to a practice of meditation. When you meditate regularly you begin to hear your intuition more often and to identify it with more ease. When you slow down the thinking mind by going within you turn on your own “zoom” lens. Turning on this inner “zoom lens” also puts your thoughts in “slow motion.”

When you eliminate distracting thoughts and slow down the pace of thoughts, you automatically become calmer. A calm mind is a better environment for fostering intuition than a frenzied one. When thoughts and intuition don’t fly through the mind as quickly, they can be captured and remembered more easily by your mind.

This is the real secret of hearing your intuition. You are already more intuitive than you are aware of. It’s just that all the stress producing thoughts have been drowning out your intuitive thoughts.

Develop your intuition to increase confidence and competence

Once you have begun to develop your intuition not only do you clear your mind of distracting thoughts but you also become more confident and competent. The reason for this is that you begin to hear the guidance of your intuition more often. This wisdom that surfaces in your mind has always been there but, it was drowned out by the wild band of thoughts that had taken over your mind. Now that your mind is calm and focused this wisdom stand out among your thoughts when it surfaces.

Having the answers to problems you’ve been struggling with surface in your mind is calming and reassuring. After a few times of seeing how elegantly this works you begin to relax and trust that the answers will always come to you when you need them. This “trust” translates to confidence in your ability to solve problems in your life and in your own competence. And, the confidence you now exude emerges as a higher level of competency in everything you do.

How to put the power of intuition development to work in your life to increase your own peace of mind, confidence and competence:

1. Commit to a practice of meditation each day. It takes just 20 hours of cumulative meditation practice to make lasting changes to your brain’s physiology. Meditating for as little as twenty minutes each day will result in an increase in your intuition and peace of mind in just 60 days. If you want to speed up your results meditate for ½ hour day so you see results in 40 days or practice ½ hour twice per day to see results in 20 days.
2. Practice stimulating your intuition on a daily basis. Before meeting friends at a restaurant for a meal close your eyes and ask yourself what your friends will be wearing or what they will order from the menu. When the phone rings, stop and ask yourself who is calling. While in meditation each day visualize yourself “receiving” the answers to problems in your life. Feel how happy and excited you are to have the answers come to you.
3. Put the power of affirmations to work in your life. Affirmations help focus your mind. Whenever you feel yourself getting stressed by competing thoughts which pull you in 100 different directions immediately begin repeating this affirmation: I am calm, focused and in control of my thoughts. I choose now to relax and focus on the task at hand. All is well. Or, create your own affirmation.

Follow these simple steps and within 40 to 60 days you will see your peace of mind increase along with your confidence and competence in everything you do.

Angela Artemis, an intuition coach, is on a mission to teach readers around the world to “speak intuition” so that they unlock all the brilliant potential that resides within and start living the life of their dreams now—not later. She is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, Navigating by Intuition – How to Follow The Signs, The Intuition Primer – Practical Lessons to Launch Your Intuition and The Intuition Principle – How to Attract the Life You Dream Of. She blogs at Powered by Intuition.

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Photo credit (baby with earphones): D. Sharon Pruitt, Pink Sherbet Photography