Seeking peace of mind is not peaceful – in fact, if we truly want it, we must be prepared to get disturbed. Peace is only possible when we face our demons – the flaws in our character, the anxieties we live with, the self-destructive behaviors we’ve come to rely on. Ready to get disturbed? Ironically, the more deeply disturbed we are willing to be (and no, I don’t mean in the One-Flew-Over the-Cuckoo’s-Nest way, though it might feel like that), the more likely we are to reach a peaceful state.

If you are ready, start with some questions:

• What do you spend most of your time thinking about?
• When things bother you, how do you cope?
• What makes you uncomfortable?
• How much time do you spend thinking about the past or the future?
• How present are you moment to moment – what gets in the way?
• At the end of the day, do you focus on the positives or the negatives?
• Can you identify your most prevalent negative thought patterns?
• What self-destructive behaviors do you indulge in?

Answering these questions helps us begin to identify the negative patterns that keep us from peace. When we identify the places where we mentally torture ourselves, we begin uncovering our unconscious belief systems – the true culprit in preventing peace of mind.

Our negative thoughts and self-destructive behaviors can be our demise, or they can be our salvation. They are the bobbing buoys in the dark ocean of our unconscious, signaling, “Watch out, there’s a hidden obstacle here!” When we ignore them, we hit the shoal or the sunken mine. But when we pay attention, we have choices – we can avoid the obstacles or, better yet, begin to remove them.

Disturbance Leads to the True Demons – Our Belief Systems

Our surface thoughts and behaviors are indicators of the beliefs that drive them. Look for the bobbing buoys, the indicators of hidden disturbances, and start to trace them back to the underlying beliefs that generate misery. Belief systems determine what we think of ourselves, other people, and the world.

We each have our unique set of obstacles to peace of mind. Negative beliefs are too numerous to fully list, but include:

• I’m not valuable unless others approve of me
• I need others to like me in order to feel secure in the world
• I have to be in control of my life and others’ lives or everything will fall apart
• Others were supposed to take care of me but didn’t, and I’m angry that I’m on my own in a scary world
• I have to isolate myself to feel safe
• I’m not as worthy as others because I don’t have what they have
• I don’t deserve to meet my needs or have what I want
• If I were as beautiful as _______________, rich as ___________________, or successful as _________________, I’d be happy.

We may or may not be aware of these beliefs. They might be very conscious in our thoughts, or they might be expressed unconsciously in our behaviors and attitudes. Someone who believes, “I need others to like me in order to feel secure in the world,” may spend their days people-pleasing and compromising their own needs in order to feel liked. At the end of the day, they’re left with a gnawing feeling inside.

All of these underlying beliefs lead to behaviors that disturb us. We can let the disturbance drive us to continue the pattern in a useless attempt to relieve the discomfort, or we can use it to look inside at what’s really causing the problem.

Finding Comfort in Discomfort

Once we’ve stirred up our disturbances, what do we do with them? How does turmoil lead to peace?

First of all, be prepared to be uncomfortable. It’s ok. It’s a good thing. The only way to clear the obstacles is to bring them to the surface. Otherwise, they’ll continue to undermine any efforts to achieve peace of mind. Accepting discomfort may take time, and continued practice, but if we keep reminding ourselves there is an ultimate goal, it makes it easier.

Bring up the underlying beliefs and expose them to sunlight. Turn them around and examine them from all angles. Catalogue, discuss, and analyze them. Those negative behaviors and thinking patterns served a purpose. They helped us survive. It’s important to honor those habits. Good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, they developed for a reason and kept us alive. But now they’re just getting in the way. We can thank them and let them go.

The process of analyzing and understanding our underlying beliefs can take time. That’s why it’s a good idea to become comfortable with discomfort. Beliefs are usually deep-seated and comfortably entrenched in our unconscious mind. When we accept the analysis process as necessary for clearing unconscious beliefs, it is easier to bear with it. Despite the discomfort, we can be confident we are making progress. Shining the light on our obstacles is the only way to release them.

Replacing Turmoil with Peace

As we learn to understand our belief systems, we can begin to change them. Change is not usually instantaneous. Perhaps there are some unique individuals out there who can snap their fingers and let go of their past, beginning anew. They probably had frontal lobotomies. Most of us have to do it the hard way – through discipline, practice, mistakes, and persistence.

To get there, to peace of mind, we need to know where “there” is. What would give us peace? What belief systems would we prefer? What would feel better and inspire more positive behaviors and attitudes? Giving ourselves goals gives us something to work toward. The replacement process takes time, and requires practice, but at least we know the map we’re following. Here are some examples:

Why Positive Thinking Alone Doesn’t Work

It would be nice to think that all we have to do to get to peace of mind is to practice positive thinking. And positive thinking is an excellent tool that contributes to inner peace. But positive thinking on its own is not usually enough to bring us to peace, if we have not cleared negative underlying beliefs.

So change is two-pronged: releasing old beliefs and replacing them with new beliefs. The new beliefs are laid down, like the sand and gravel under a brick walk, by practicing new thoughts and behaviors, which produce new feelings. Positive thinking is one example of a practice. We can also practice different behaviors.

For example, instead of getting out of the car to scream at that person who stole our parking spot, we can wave and drive on to another spot. The thoughts and feelings might still be there, but we haven’t acted out and made the situation worse. Some call the change in behavior, “Acting as if.” Meaning: acting as if we have peace of mind, acting as if we understand the other person’s perspective, acting as if we have gratitude despite someone else’s bad behavior.

Eventually, new thoughts and new behaviors produce new feelings. We might start out feeling resentment when that person steals our spot, but we use our thinking to accept the situation and perhaps even have compassion – “they must be in more of a rush, perhaps they have an urgent crisis to attend to” – and we behave in ways we feel happier and more comfortable with. As a result of the effort, our feelings move from resentment to surprise or disappointment, and eventually to simple acceptance.

Through this process we ultimately shift our underlying beliefs. The belief, which might have started as “The world is not fair, people take advantage of me, I never get a break,” turns into, “The world may be unpredictable, but I can stay calm and grateful and compassionate even when others behave badly or thoughtlessly.” And with such attitudes comes the peace of mind we have been seeking. (See Figure 1.)

Figure 1. Developing New Beliefs

Sounds Overwhelming, Where Should I Start?

Changing our thoughts, feelings, actions and ultimately our beliefs is an intensive process. It does take time, a commitment to continuing to move forward, and an openness to trying new things. But it doesn’t have to be done all at once, and it doesn’t have to be done in one day.

If you want peace, and you’re willing to look deeply within, here are some tips to keep it manageable and possibly even fun:

• Be kind to yourself
• Give yourself permission to make mistakes
• Remember that one step forward is progress, no matter how small
• Give yourself a break – both mentally and physically – when things get overwhelming
• Lean on your support system – make sure you have one!
• Treat yourself when you’ve reached a milestone or achieved a small success – or just because
• Keep in mind that change is cumulative, so every effort you make is growing your progress
• Trust your own pace, don’t rush
• If at all possible, DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF – try to give yourself credit for any and all efforts you make, EVEN YOUR MISTAKES
• Ask for help from others who have followed a similar path – stay on the lookout for new ideas

Conclusion

Although it may seem contradictory, getting disturbed offers great potential as a pathway to peace. The key is to pay attention to the disruption and discomfort and use it as a indicator of where you need to dig below the surface and get to your underlying beliefs. Discomfort is a sign that there is something in our thoughts, feelings and behavior to address, understand, and heal.

So what are you waiting for? For peace of mind, get disturbed!

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For freedom from negativity – negative thinking patterns – dig deep into your past and uncover your true self.

Are you stuck in negativity? We all have our own versions of negative thinking or feeling – pick your poison:

• Depression
• Addiction
• Anxiety
• Anger
• Loneliness
• Resentment
• Self-hatred

If you find yourself in any of these states for prolonged periods of time, and want some freedom from negativity, consider freeing yourself by delving down and digging out from under.

When we’re young, we don’t think either negatively or positively, we just walk around as ourselves, present in the world. Soon we learn that it’s not okay to be authentic – when we’re judged for how we look, think, feel, or behave. And so we develop coping mechanisms – ways to appear okay on the outside while burying who we really are on the inside. We create a façade, a barrier, the self that presents a good front to the world. Eventually, we forget who we were and believe we are the false self with its defensive postures.

The problem is that these coping mechanisms, which help us survive our childhood, are the foundation for negative thinking throughout life. The burying of the true self sounds like this:

• “I get compliments when I look and behave like my peers but ridicule when I dress and act like I want to, so I’ll just try to fit in”
• “I get in trouble when I tell the truth, so it’s safer to lie”
• “People don’t like it when I express my feelings, I better stuff them down”
• “My family looks good on the outside but there’s conflict on the inside that we can’t talk about – I guess it’s best to pretend things are okay even when they’re not”

While these coping mechanisms allow us to survive the pressures of growing up, the cumulative weight they put on the true self can lead to depression, self-hatred, anger and many other forms of self-destructive behavior.

Digging Deep

With negative thinking in any form, we are piling garbage on top of our true self. The more engrained the habits, the deeper that self is buried. The only way to recover our true self is to dig through the many layers of rubbish.

But how do we begin? Is it possible to uncover the treasure of our original, natural self? The one who bounced and skipped along simply enjoying and experiencing life? Some of us may remember being that person, while others have long forgotten. How painful will it be and how much time will it take to delve below the rubble that obscures the joyful part of ourselves?

We can decide to stay stuck, in the comfort of discomfort, and in the patterns of our past. Or, we can dig in and trust that no matter how painful the process, we will eventually uncover the shining jewel of our true self.

The Shovel: Find Your Tool

To dig deep we need a shovel. Not just any shovel, but the one that fits our hands, feels comfortable, and balances well as we use it. Digging into the past and looking at the forces that shaped us takes time, energy, commitment, and regular application. Examining the past can be painstaking, and we need the right equipment and support to do the work effectively.

Look for the right tool and the right set of instructions to go with it. Whether it’s therapy, religion, a 12-step program, self-help, or any other method of choice, it’s important to find a method we can rely on, trust, and even enjoy.

The Dirt: Honor the Past and Let it Go

One of the things that keeps us stuck is beating ourselves up for our mistakes. We judge ourselves – usually negatively – and regret the past over and over again. Then we carry that self-blame and negativity into the next similar situation, perpetuating nonproductive and self-defeating patterns.

But it’s possible to reframe our past – mistakes, bad patterns, and all. The past is done, it is beyond our control and can’t be changed. Not only that, but the way we behaved in the past was important – we were doing our best to protect ourselves – using those coping mechanism from childhood to keep ourselves safe and do our best to get through life. We can honor those efforts, and accept that it was the best we could do at the time.

In accepting our past, and acknowledging our efforts, we can let it go. Our past was important to our growth, but we can let it rest and move on to a future with the possibility of new patterns.

A Cleaning Solution: Put New Habits in Place

After our digging expedition, we should have a list of bad habits we’ve developed. Now we need a cleaning solution to continue to scrub them whenever they appear and clear the way for new, better habits. The method depends on the individual and provides new ideas to try out, grow into, and work the magic of change with.

Examples of new habits might include:

• Instead of beating yourself up for mistakes, start seeing them as “opportunities for growth.”
• Stop saying yes when you want to say no
• Start practicing making time and space for the things you want to do.
• Put care of yourself first, before care for others, so that you have energy to give rather than get drained.
• Forgive yourself for missteps and misstatements and use them to better understand how you want to behave the next time.
• Have back-up plans so that when things don’t go as expected, you don’t have to be disappointed, but can still have a good time.

Each of us has our own constellation of bad habits that have led us into negativity and kept us stuck. And so each of us must customize positive replacements for those patterns.

Elbow Grease: Practice Daily

It’s not as simple as dumping the old and welcoming the new. The process of change requires continual practice, resulting in large and small achievements, as well as occasional slips.

There are at least two ongoing processes – letting go of old patterns and behavior, well-engrained in our minds and bodies through years of repetition – and trying out new behaviors. We’re not going to be perfect at either one, but if we persist, we’ll improve our power for the positive.

But to stay motivated, practice can’t be just a grind. It’s got to be fun, at least some of the time. One way to make it enjoyable is to share the effort with others. Look for support – friends, community, family – those who want and work for personal change. Seek out inspiration – stories from others who have gone through tough times and triumphed. And take advantage of these resources as often as possible.

And look for ways to stay accountable to your practice, through writing, through sharing with a friend, through revisiting your progress daily.

Emerge from Comfortable Discomfort

Negativity may have become a comfortable companion. But eventually, living in depression, anxiety, loneliness, or self-hatred becomes more painful than the alternative. Digging deep into our negative thinking, behavior, and habits may feel like pouring alcohol over an open wound. But like cleaning a wound, isn’t it better to have acute pain followed by healing than slow decay and gangrene?

Consider turning into your pain, understanding where your negativity comes from, and trying something different, imperfectly, incrementally, incredibly.

Your shining self is still there, has always been, is simply waiting to be revealed.

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Instead of resolutions, use your imagination to set and achieve goals.

With a new year comes an opportunity – not to set resolutions but to use our imaginations to reach our goals.

Resolutions lead to failure – it’s well documented. But if we want change in our lives, there are other ways.

I like setting a theme for the year. It becomes a reminder, at times a beacon, that guides my goals and actions, without becoming a rigid boundary or requirement.

This year my theme is “fearless living.” I’ve struggled with anxiety and fear-based thinking for much of my life. It still plagues me at times, and I know I’ve fallen into the trap when I start trying to control everything and everyone around me. Fear leads to self-will run riot – trying to fix, control, direct, manipulate, and shape the world around me to feel “safe.”

So I’m putting the theme of fearlessness into my mind. I will use it to imagine the life I want. A carefree life. A happy and cheerful attitude. A focus on fun. If I’m afraid I will run out of money, I will imagine the fun of making do with whatever I have. If I start stressing over a disorderly household and dirty floors, I will imagine the country home in my future. Whenever anxiety starts to rise, I will remind myself of the life I imagine. And in so doing, the anxiety will dissipate, and that life I imagine will become mine.

So join me in the imagination exercise. What do you see in your future? Who do you want to be? What do you want in your life? What kind of goals or themes make sense for you in 2013?

Start with Focus

It can be overwhelming to think about the aspects of our lives we might want to change: relationships, living situation, physical health, career, emotional issues, diet, education…the list goes on. Try to narrow it down and focus.

Choose your focus

It could be a specific situation or relationship, or it could be something more general. It could be a recurring emotion – fear, anger, sadness. For me, it’s fear/anxiety that comes up around “survival” issues of work, finances, household.

Air out the problem

Before we can change something, we have to acknowledge what’s wrong with the status quo. What’s making you unhappy/dissatisfied in the behavior or life situation you hope to change? Get it out on the table, share it with others, and accept the way things are at the moment. All this will help you let go and be ready to try something new.

Brainstorm the future

This is the fun part – imagine the best possible outcomes. If you have anger issues, imagine yourself responding differently to the situations that drive you up the wall now. If you live in the suburbs but want city living, imagine the ideal home and environs.

Sum it up

Make it easy for your memory and give yourself a trigger – sum up your vision with a word or phrase that captures your goal.

Creative Imagination

There are many ways to make imagination real. Some of us are visual thinkers, others more word-based. Try putting your vision for yourself into a form that makes it more real for you.

Writing

If you have a journal, write an entry summing up the imagining process and summary. Use poetry, short story, or essay to fill out the story of your vision.

Drawing

Sketch, draw, paint, or otherwise represent yourself as achieving your goal. Put yourself smack dab in the middle of the visual reality of your dream.

Music

Write a song, create a music video, create a dance, write and perform a play – act out your best hopes.

So much more

Make a costume, sew a quilt, make a photographic montage, create a standup comic routine, write a roleplaying game – there is no end to the creative expression of your newly imagined future. And you don’t have to do it alone. Bring a group together and create something together. Tap into whatever medium makes you happy – the important thing is to bring your vision for the year a little closer to reality.

It’s a new year. Who’s the new you? Use your imagination.

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Some of these myths include:

1. I am in charge
2. The source of happiness is outside myself
3. There isn’t enough to go around
4. I must care for others before caring for myself
5. Asking for help is a sign of weakness
6. Showing emotion puts me at a disadvantage
7. I am not worthy of love and respect unless I am successful
8. Success is defined by external factors
9. Only serious people get ahead – being happy and carefree is foolish
10. Being prepared for the worst keeps me safe

If we want freedom from anxiety, a mind at ease, we have to uncover our deeply held beliefs and recognize them for the myths they are. Once we dig them out and expose them to the light, these destructive beliefs can hold no power over our state of mind.

Anxiety Takes Many Forms

Each of us has our own battle with anxiety. The focus varies, and the responses, but the feelings are very much the same. They might manifest as discomfort, restlessness, an unhappiness we can’t shake off – none of which respond to rational thought.

For me, anxiety took on an amorphous shape – a sort of dread that hung over my head like Pig Pen’s dirty black cloud. While I functioned well in school and the work world, my mind was never easy, never at peace. I worried excessively, obsessed over small and large troubles, and focused on the negative. At the end of the day, it was all the little bothersome things that crowded my sleep, not the positive moments. I didn’t want to be that way, but I couldn’t seem to help it. More than anything, I wanted peace of mind, a mind at rest.

I worked hard at finding that peace – I sought and used many methods, including meditation, yoga, and therapy. They provided some relief, if only momentarily. Through therapy I cleared a lot of emotional baggage, which was definitely in the way of my peace of mind. But I needed something more, something stronger, to dig out of the hole of my unhappiness. Finally I realized it was my underlying beliefs that were causing my anxiety, and if I wanted relief, I was going to have to change the personal myths I carried around.

Everyone has their own set of anxieties and worries – and underlying beliefs that fuel them. What are yours?

For Peace of Mind, Break Down the Myths

The first step to releasing anxiety and replacing it with a peaceful, easy mind is to identify the beliefs behind the unrest. Let’s look at a few myths from the list above.

I am in charge

We have been taught that we are the masters of our own destiny, and we can make our dreams come true. It is true that we have some control over our lives, but not to the extent we have learned to believe. When we think we are the only power in our lives to make things happen either for ourselves or for others, we are taking on the illusion of control.

When we operate under this illusion, we are constantly frustrated by a seeming lack of results and outcomes – at least the ones that we want. We don’t realize that we are trying to control things beyond our ability, and so we just keep trying harder, putting more and more energy and resources into a pointless effort, and thus generate negative feelings like frustration, fear, disappointment, resentment, and worry.

There isn’t enough to go around

Many of us are raised with the mentality of scarcity. While it may come from the best of intentions – helping us to be frugal, warning us against expecting too much and so avoiding disappointment, conserving resources – it also leads to the fear of “not enough.”

This drives a lot of anxiety and fear-based thinking and action. We compete for resources and pit ourselves against others, we grab, we hoard, we push others away. We fight for affection, generate jealousies, and fear rejection. When we think there isn’t enough, we operate in a dark and dangerous world.

Showing emotion puts me at a disadvantage

We learn to hide or suppress our emotions for many reasons – maybe to show a “strong front,” to protect against others taking advantage of us, or to avoid triggering others’ negative reactions.

But when we keep our emotions hidden, they don’t go away, they just go underground. They stay somewhere in our minds and bodies, and affect everything else we do in life. Carrying around a lifetime of unexpressed emotions makes us volatile and unpredictable. They back up and then explode in overreactions to present situations.

Put New Beliefs in Place

Exposing old myths to the light is important for releasing them. But we must also replace the old beliefs with something new and more positive. Look at each of your personal myths and expose the chinks in their armor. They have served their purpose, and it’s time to let them go. Instead, look for new ideas and practices to put in their place.

I am in charge

Let’s replace this with a new belief:

I can control only a few things in life, and when I focus on that and let go of the rest, I have more peace of mind.

The only things we can control:

• Our thoughts
• Our feelings
• Our attitudes (a combination of thoughts and feelings)
• Our actions

EVERYTHING else is beyond us. We cannot control the weather, our environment, our jobs, our cars, our houses, our pets, or anything else. Most especially, we cannot control other people, even children, around us. When we attempt to control the uncontrollable, we generate tremendous anxiety for ourselves.

What are you worried about today? How much of that situation is outside of your control?

When we recognize our lack of control, and release our grip on that aspect of the problem, we experience tremendous relief. So when you have a worry you can’t shake, try breaking it down. List out what you can control and what you can’t control about the situation, and then focus only on what you do have power over.

There isn’t enough to go around

Try on a new belief:

There is enough for everyone, and we can survive, even thrive, when we collaborate rather than compete.

This belief could be as true as that of scarcity. Replacing scarcity with a belief in “enough” is possible. But how? Here are a few suggestions.

Reflect on your own life and reality. When you look back – have you generally had what you needed (if not necessarily what you wanted)? Have you had events or opportunities arise when least expected, solving problems you had struggled over and been unable to “figure out”? Think about times when you’ve reached out to others or they’ve helped you – has it eased your mind and relieved the stress of competition?

Practice gratitude and appreciation for what you do have. When we focus on having enough, rather than on competing for scarce resources, we can much more easily find an inner resting place. Appreciating what we have generates good feelings and supports acceptance of life exactly as it is right now, a much easier state of mind than the anxiety that comes from constant striving toward and never reaching the undefined goals of “more.”

Showing emotion puts me at a disadvantage

New belief:

Experiencing my emotions gives me the power to release them and to respond to life in the moment without a lot of baggage.

To make a shift, we can practice identifying, allowing, and appropriately expressing emotions. This doesn’t always look pretty – in fact, expect some messy situations and try to be forgiving of yourself and others. As someone who used to keep my emotions bottled up, I find that being aware, understanding, and expressing my feelings allows me to let them go much faster. I feel better and my relationships are generally better off for it.

Conclusion and a Challenge

Shifting our beliefs takes time, effort, and a regular practice of replacing negative thinking with positive. But it is possible with a bit of persistence and a willingness to make mistakes in the interest of growth and learning.

Challenge

Write down a list of your personal myths – then break them down and examine how they are causing you anxiety and stress. Then brainstorm ways to turn the belief around. Practice new beliefs and behaviors to replace the mythology.

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When people make you crazy, look to your own reactions instead of pointing the finger at others.

If someone is making you crazy, there is one sure way to make it stop. It does not involved throttling the hostile bus driver, nosy neighbor, or aggravating boss. Nor do you have to hide in your house and never interact with anyone ever again.

No, the secret to stopping a crazy-making situation is this:

It’s not them! It’s you!

Crazy Reactions

That crazy-seeming person and their kooky behavior is not what makes you crazy. They could be throwing spaghetti sauce at you or pushing you into a fountain, which may indeed make them unreasonable people. But if you feel crazy, aggravated, annoyed or irritated, it’s because you decided to react that way.

Now, granted, most of us don’t consciously “choose” our reaction – because typically it’s an automatic emotional trigger so engrained that it happens without awareness. When that jerk zips into “our” parking spot right before us, it seems perfectly natural to blow a fuse and then carry our reaction around for the rest of the day, sharing it with everyone we talk to and wallowing in the drama. It seems pretty clear that “they” made us crazy, right? What other possible response is there, after all, then to get out of your car and scream at them while they walk into the store?

But who likes to feel that way? We might get used to it, we might even think it’s normal, but most of us don’t really want to feel our blood pressure spike when other people behave badly. Because it happens all the time. There’s no end to people and their behaviors that we could, if unchecked, make us absolutely nuts all of the time.

Staying Sane

Even if we know the secret – that it’s our reaction and not the other person’s behavior, how exactly does one put the secret into practice? How do we keep our cool when our teenager stays out past curfew, our tenant makes petty demands, or our spouse criticizes us?

The good news is, we have the answers inside us. And the bad news is, we have the answers inside us. To find peace of mind around crazy-making people, we have to work hard. But at least, if we do the work, we know we will see results. Here’s what we can do:

Focus on Your Own Reaction – Instead of pointing at the other person, look at yourself. What are you feeling? Where is the reaction coming from? What are your underlying beliefs around the behavior? For example, if you are outraged by the tenant who insists you owe them the security deposit despite damage done to your apartment, ask yourself why. The underlying belief could be, “The world should be fair,” or, “I don’t deserve to be treated well,” or, “People should behave the way I would behave.” When we look at our expectations, we begin to open the possibility of doing something different.

Allow for Others’ Perspectives – Concurrent with looking at our own reactions, we can also open our minds to other people’s experiences. Instead of assuming our boss’s nasty comment is about us or our behavior, we can consider that they might be having a bad day, aren’t feeling good about themselves, or are dealing with issues that have nothing to do with us. Allowing for other’s points of view does not mean we accept unacceptable behavior. It just allows us to have more space to respond differently.

Do Not Engage – When faced with a crazy-making person, do not, under any circumstances, engage with them! What we feed grows, so any energy you put toward the exchange will make the situation more intense. Try not to say or do what you most immediately want to – if it comes from a knee-jerk reaction. We may still have the reaction go on in our heads – but dealing with that is a lot easier than repairing damage done by arguing and physically reacting.

Pause, Stop, and Think – To help us not engage, we can remind ourselves to pause when we feel triggered. Before blurting out that insult, take a breath. When we walk away, take some time to collect ourselves, count to 10, etc., we are more likely to be able to draw on a rational response rather than an emotional reaction.

Generate New Options – To help short-circuit our automatic reactions, we need a new repertoire of ideas. Then we have resources to draw on in that moment when we pause, take a breath, and think about our next step. It’s helpful to have neutral responses immediately ready – phrases like, “Uh huh,” “Oh,” “I see,” or, “You could be right.” Other options come from the work on our thinking, our attitudes, and past patterns, and might look like reminders to ourselves, such as “Their bad mood does not have to be mine, I’m not going there” or, “I can take rational steps for dealing with that tenant who won’t move out.” And they might be actions – keeping our mouths shut before we yell and make things worse, walking away until we can calm down, and asking others for help and perspective are just a few examples.

Practice Responding, Not React – Putting our new repertoire into practice is an ongoing process. We get triggered and we have choices – we might slip into old reactions, but if we allow for mistakes in our growth, we can use them as lessons for what to do differently the next time. We may find that at first all we can do is simply not engage, but still have the reactions in our heads. After awhile, we’ll remember to try something else – a neutral verbal response and walking away to take some time to think. Eventually, new attitudes kick in and we find ourselves staying calm in the midst of others’ chaos.

Imagine the possibilities – someone freaks out on us, and we don’t even blink an eye!

Remember, no matter what someone else does or says, no matter how crazy and aggravating they are, YOU are the key to staying sane. By focusing on your own reactions, avoiding engagement in the conflict, and having options to draw from, you can deal with any crazy-maker out there. (And by the way, this even works on our own thinking and internal reactions!)

So next time that nasty bus driver goes right by your stop while you’re standing there – breathe, look at your options, and take a calm next step.

What’s making you crazy today? How can you use today’s secret to return yourself to sanity?

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Photo credit: Rudy Rush

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If you want peace of mind, be fierce and never let up.

Dear friends,

If peace of mind is your goal, you must be determined. Tenacious. Persistent. Fierce. You must want it more than anything else because with it, you can face and deal with everything else.

How do you define peace of mind?

• Relaxation
• Inner peace
• Serenity
• Mental ease
• Zoning out
• Being present
• Feeling joyful
• Living in acceptance
• The absence of anxiety, stress, obsessive thinking, worry, etc.

For me, peace of mind means my mind is calm and free of stress. I’m at ease mentally and emotionally. It feels good. But I only know that because I came from a place of not peace. Back then, it didn’t feel good, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I was used to stress, anxiety, and worry, but I craved relief. I decided I would go to any lengths for peace of mind, short of harming others.

How far will you go to find peace, sustain it, and return to it?

Getting to Peace

While life will never stop offering opportunities to experience pain, we don’t have to sink into suffering. Suffering is staying stuck in the pain – focusing on the negatives of worry, obsession, and attempting to control outcomes. Such efforts keep us in our suffering. Seeking peace – persistently, doggedly, fiercely – keeps us from misery and the insanity it brings.

I kept at it – from my early days as a depressed teen, to young adulthood and the “wrong” relationships – I wanted peace of mind, and I was willing to try as many techniques as it took. Even when that meant looking at my pain, digging into it and unearthing hidden wounds, I kept going.

I started early, using talk therapy and then emotion-based therapy to address my depression. This helped but didn’t keep me from several unhappy romantic relationships that showed me I was looking outside myself for love and self-worth. I found medication that helped with some of my symptoms, but then found myself in a very unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic. From there I went into a recovery program and used its spiritual basis as my regular discipline. The practical tools I found there have helped me lay a foundation for finding peace of mind and returning to it again and again.

Make a commitment to seek peace when pain hits. Peace does not mean avoiding pain, or denying it. It means finding a way to deal with and let it go. Peace practices are many and varied, and we must each find our own path and methods.

How do you find peace? To get there we need a path into our own psyches. We need to understand our misery, find a way to let go of its source, and learn to replace the negativity with new positive attitudes and behavior.

Methods might include:

• Therapy
• Religion
• Relaxation training
• Meditation programs
• Spiritual programs
• Recovery programs
• Self-improvement/self-help programs

Whatever you choose, do it with verve, enthusiasm, and above all, discipline. Give it all you’ve got, and when something doesn’t work, take a breath, stick with it, and try again.

Keeping Inner Peace

Sometimes we can sustain a peaceful state for days, even weeks or months. But it’s more likely that events and interactions will intrude on our serenity and stir up emotions and reactions. The traffic makes us late to work, the dog gets loose in the neighborhood, the teenager stays out past curfew. So much is beyond our control that we will get periodically blindsided by a turn of events.

We can make a commitment to sustaining peace of mind in many ways. One method is preventive maintenance. When we practice peace each day, we are depositing future serenity in the emotional bank.

Sustaining peace practices can include:

• Prayer
• Meditation
• Yoga/tai chi/other spirit-movement activities
• Affirmations
• Breathing practices
• Journaling
• Anything that feeds your soul

Regularity of practice is up to you – I find a daily dose of reflection essential for staying grounded.

Returning to Peace After a Crisis

Fierce commitment gets us going, helps us sustain peace, and when we fall off the beam, pushes us to get back on. We can rely on our regular discipline, our sustaining techniques, and any other processes that develop along the way to bring us back to that peaceful place.

Through experience I’ve found the following stepwise process works for me to bring myself back to serenity when a difficult or painful situation arises:

1. Experience – Be aware while whatever is happening is happening, and notice what comes up for me, my reactions, emotions, responses.
2. Allow – Let myself have the experience and the pain, without judgment.
3. Analyze/Understand – Reflect on how I reacted or responded to the situation. Understand where it came from. Acknowledge the reality, again without judgment.
4. Express – Once I’ve processed the experience, I can express my feelings and thoughts about it with trusted friends. If I need to share directly with people involved, I can do that too.
5. Release – When I thoroughly process my experience, understand and appropriately express my thoughts and feelings, I can let it all go. I don’t have to hang on to unresolved issues when I use this step-by-step approach.

Whatever you do, do not give up. Be fierce. No matter how many situations you find yourself in, you can find peace if you persist. Take courage, believe in yourself, and be willing to take responsibility for your emotions and reactions.

Fiercely yours,

Linda Wolf

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Photo by Bob Ramsak / piran café

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Releasing self-hate and replacing with self-love leads to serenity. Photo credit: Ian Levack.

Self-love – treating the self with care and respect – is one sure-fire way to improve serenity and peace of mind. But any time we move toward self-care, we must watch out for that enemy of serenity – self-hate.

Not only that, we face a cultural paradigm that values self-sacrifice and caretaking of others. Taking care of one’s own needs first has been stigmatized as selfish, and self-love branded as self-indulgent.

Yet self-care is simply common sense. When we ensure our own needs are met, we then have the energy to care for others – without strings attached. We want to help our family, our friends, and even complete strangers. When we give from excess rather than essence, we feel joyful and never drained.

But even if we accept this reasoning, making the shift from an old mindset to a new one is never easy. Engrained habits die hard. Especially when those habits send us self-defeating messages like:

• I can’t
• I’m not worthy
• It’s too hard

Getting over these messages and achieving self-love isn’t a simple matter of snapping our fingers. This negative thinking is the symptom of a deeper problem.

Many of us suffer from self-hatred.

Self-hatred is a little-recognized but virally powerful mindset. It underlies almost all emotional dysfunction and robs us of self-esteem. It starts with societal pressure to “fit in” and continues into denial and repression of our feelings – the inner guidance system we are born with. As we ignore our thoughts and feelings, we turn to outside guides – society, family, peers – to tell us how to be, how to think, how to feel, and how to act. Thus, we lose touch with our natural integrity and instead rely on the responses of other people to tell us right from wrong.

As we look outside for answers, we actually begin to turn on ourselves. We bury self-love deeper and deeper below the surface and develop symptoms of self-hatred:

• Addictive behavior – Using substances or “processes” (eating, working, buying, etc.) in a compulsive way to avoid pain and difficulties
• Codependence – Letting other people’s feelings determine our own – happy if others are happy, sad or upset if others are upset
• Depression – Defending ourselves from pain by avoiding our feelings, numbing ourselves
• Insecurity – Measuring our worth by comparison to others rather than by internal definition
• Obsessive thinking – Focusing on problems, people, or situations rather than looking at ourselves
• People pleasing – Doing things to make other people happy even when it means denying ourselves something we want or need
• Self-flagellation – Endlessly beating ourselves up for our mistakes, real or perceived
• Any other self-destructive pattern – Fill in the blank

These behaviors start out as survival skills, helping us navigate a world we don’t understand and must adapt to. In time, they become deeply entrenched habits. Though they inevitably lead to pain, chronic or acute, they are also the only reliable crutches we have for getting us through life.

So, how, given all these barriers, do we get to self-love and serenity?

The good news is, the self-love we had, our natural self-esteem, is still there. It’s just buried under the surface of our habitual negative behaviors.

To get to self-love, we need to address our self-hating behaviors. The following threefold approach – looking at our past, our future, and our present – tackles the insidious self-defeating attitudes and actions that keep us from loving ourselves.

1. Let Go of the Past: Understand and Release Self-hatred

For emotional freedom, we must let go of the self-hatred that masks self-love. Some people have the gift of spontaneous release of old resentments and habits. Most of us must work much harder to let go of the patterns that got us this far.

To truly release self-hatred, we must understand its source. What particular circumstances and responses brought us to the set of survival skills we are so attached to? Can we begin to process and release the need for these habits?

For example, I need my physical environment to be neat and orderly in order to feel secure, and freak out when those I live with don’t meet my high standards. But can I use those overreactions to recognize a legitimate need – in this case, for security? I can dig into my past to understand why I overreact today: perhaps as a child I lived with chaos, and I found some measure of safety by hiding in my room where I had some control over the environment. Today’s overreaction is from this old, irrational source even though I may rationally know that having immaculate surroundings is not the true source of my security in the world. Only when I recognize the source of my suffering am I able to release it.

2. Look to the Future: Practice Healthier Behaviors

Concurrently with releasing the past, we must build new responses – practice new patterns of behavior. We need to replace the negative with something more positive. So before we decide to “people please” someone, with the ulterior motive of gaining their admiration, love, help, or gratitude, we consider our needs first. When we are taken care of and comfortable, we can more easily give to others and not require emotional validation from them.

There are as many methods for changing behavior as there are people. Find what works for you and be consistent in applying something new whenever your old behaviors come up.

Here are a few ideas that have worked for me:

• Brainstorm new options for old situations – list them out, keep them in your mind so that you have a new repertoire to choose from when you’re tempted to go into the old behavior
• Find some rote phrases that embody new thinking/positive ideas and run them through your head on a regular basis, to replace old thinking with new
• Constantly seek out new sources of information on your particular problem – how have other people addressed it and what can you take from their experience to try?
• Don’t give up – if something doesn’t work, try something else

For my problem with controlling my immediate surroundings, I can brainstorm new ways to deal with my need for security. Examples might include compromising with my housemates for order and cleanliness or developing my inner security so that no “outside condition” (like a dirty house) can trigger my fear.

3. Stay Present: Notice Distractions and Use the Moment

While we try to balance releasing our past and building a new future of different behavior patterns, it’s important to be as present in the moment as possible. Use the present to notice what’s happening with the change process and become aware of distractions that pull us into the past or future.

For me, obsessive thinking (aka, worry, anxiety, fear-based thinking) has been an overwhelming symptom of self-hate. It has me projecting horrors into the future and dredging up terrible feelings from my past. The only immediate antidote I’ve found (while working over time on #1 and #2 above) is getting present. Focusing on what’s happening right here, right now brings me right back and helps me shake off that obsessive thinking.

Here are some ideas to help refocus on the present:

• Remind yourself, “Keep your head where your feet are.”
• Ask, “What’s the next thing that needs doing?” Go do it (whether it’s writing a work email, washing the dishes, or picking up the baby from daycare). And while doing it, keep your mind on the task, not the past and not the future.
• Pray or meditate.
• Use your senses – what are you seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, right now?
• Be mindful – notice what’s happening within you and outside you in this moment. Allow and don’t judge yourself or others.

Self-love is worth working toward. Using the multipronged approach of tackling past, present, and future helps us root out self-destructive patterns and replace them with new, more self-caring habits. Like Dorothy’s yellow brick road, the path is strewn with dangers and revelations – full of true adventure for the courageous of heart.

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Photo credit: nikoretro

For years, my answer was “Less anxiety, more peace of mind!” All my energies went toward finding a way to lower my anxiety levels and increase my peace and serenity. That’s how I knew how important it was.

What ONE thing do you most want to change in your life? Is it switching to a new career, finding a life partner, or just wanting to feel better? Becoming more willing to take risks, buying a house, getting along better with people? Boil it down to the one thing you think will help fulfill you.

Write it down here (or make mental note):

THE ONE THING______________________________________

Now comes the challenge:

Are you willing to work for it? Most probably, the reason we don’t yet have what we want is because we have emotional obstacles.

Are you willing to overcome the emotional resistance to getting the ONE thing you want?

I was willing to go to any lengths for peace of mind. Because what I’d been doing was not working. I lived in fear and anxiety most of my waking life. As a result of the constant pain I lived in, I was ready to turn over every rock, try every suggestion others gave me, and dig deep inside to change my attitudes and approach to life. And that’s what it took. A deeply reflective, rigorously honest self-assessment and then institution of new practices.

That might sound scary, but the thing is, we don’t have to do it all RIGHT NOW or even overnight. Change is a long-term, growth-oriented project, like planting a seed and tending it on its journey to fruition.

An Emotional Change Process

Boiling it down, here’s the process for shifting from an old way of doing things to a new way – one that will help us achieve the ONE thing we want most right now (and then the NEXT thing we really want, and so on):

1. Identify the negative patterns that keep you stuck
2. Analyze why you have those patterns – look at your past, how the behaviors developed and why,  how they served you
3. Brainstorm new behaviors/habits that you could replace the old behaviors with
4. Start practicing the new behaviors
5. Acknowledge and let go of the old coping mechanisms at the same time
6. Continue practicing positive behaviors, and be kind to yourself when you slip back

Eventually we let go of the old patterns and the new ones become ingrained and habitual. But this post is not about accomplishing this entire process in one fell swoop.

Let’s start with something simple – just the first part of the process, like planting the seed in the dirt. You’ve identified what you want  – what are some of the negative patterns that keep you stuck?

Barriers: What Gets in Your Way of Your ONE thing?

1. ______________________________________
2. ______________________________________
3. ______________________________________
4. ______________________________________
5. ______________________________________

How do these behaviors/patterns/beliefs benefit you? Take some time to think about where they came from, and what they “do” for you. Here’s an example:

• My ONE thing: Peace of mind
• Barrier: Anxiety/worry
• Why: The reason I worried was that when I was young I had no control over dysfunction going on around me, except to obsessively think about the problems and will them to be resolved
• The benefit: Worry gave me (the illusion of) safety and security

This is just the beginning, but any start is better than staying stuck. Try it. At least answer this question:

What would it take to become willing to let go of the negative behavior in the way of your ONE thing?

Are you willing to tackle the challenge of change?

Consider the gauntlet thrown.

I look forward to your responses.

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Image by IPBrian

Last week I asked readers what they’d like to hear about. The overwhelming choice: Understanding insanity – where it comes from and how to circumvent it.

So what is insanity? We’re not talking the textbook definition here –

the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness

—Oxford Dictionary

Although sometimes it may feel like this!

We’re using the term more colloquially. Perhaps this very commonly quoted definition gets closer:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 —Albert Einstein

This captures the idea of being stuck in behavior patterns that helped us survive to this point but no longer serve us. Like:

• Choosing the same destructive relationships over and over because we are looking for love outside ourselves (aka, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places”)
• Finding ourselves – yet again! –  in a job with an unreasonable, demanding boss who triggers our anti-authority complex (“I Hate My Boss Because My Boss Hates Me”)
• Compulsively using a substance, like alcohol – or a behavior, like eating or exercising – to escape the pain of life (“I’m an Addict Because It’s the Best Answer I’ve Found So Far”)

Why do we keep doing the same things over and over again? Because they seem to work, at least for a time. We find the next boyfriend/girlfriend and experience bliss – for a little while. We blow up at the boss and feel good that we stood up for ourselves, but lose our job. We feel happy and carefree from the effects of our addiction, until we crash.

We keep doing these things because they seem to work or they used to, and because we don’t yet have another way forward. We need to try something different to get different results.

How do we do that?

We work on changing how we think, feel, and act.

Try this definition of insanity on for size:

Insanity is getting stuck in unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors rather than processing them, integrating new responses, and moving on to healthier patterns.

Hanging on to negativity grinds it deeper into our consciousness. To turn insanity into serenity, we must dig out negative and unhealthy compulsions – thoughts, feelings, behavior – instead of letting it take root.

So refuse to get stuck!

Follow these steps:

1. Recognize our “insane” destructive patterns that keep us stuck
2. Process the feelings behind those patterns
3. Learn and practice new healthier behaviors
4. Acknowledge mistakes – and successes
5. Integrate results and use them to improve responses the next time

To get serenity, admit your insanity. Face it, give it voice, understand it. Brainstorm ways to counteract it, begin practicing them.

Let’s apply this to the example of “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.”

1. Become aware that every boy/girlfriend you’ve had is a version of him/herself – always the same type
2. Look at what’s behind it – feeling unloved and believing love has to come from outside oneself
3. Practice healthier behaviors – focus on self-care basics to start, move on from there
4. Become more aware of your dating habits – notice when you make the same mistakes, but forgive them; acknowledge small improvements, such as ending the relationship sooner
5. Continue practicing self-care – you’ll find you’re less and less tempted to fall into the same old relationship patterns

Then just keep repeating steps 3, 4, and 5.

So you still want serenity? Go ahead and dive into the insanity.

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Image by Lloyd Morgan

This week I asked readers to list the main obstacle to their peace of mind. These were the winners, in order of “popularity.”

• Anxiety
• Not accepting everything exactly as it is – a.k.a: Believing “I” am in charge
• Uncontrolled reactions
• Insanity (however you define it)
• Dissatisfaction with circumstances
• Negative self-talk
• Obsessive thinking
• Not living in the present
• Mental discomfort
• The chaos of the outside world

I promised I would use the feedback to hone Insanely Serene’s focus. This is the first post on Serenity-Stoppers. Let’s work together as a community to help each other overcome them and introduce more peace-inducing practices.

We’ll start with the top Serenity-Stopper: Anxiety.

How Anxiety Stops Serenity

Anxiety is born of the conflict between human willpower and the forces in the world that we cannot control. We have a drive to direct our own lives, but when we  attempt to manage things beyond our abilities, we breed anxiety. Often, we try to control way past that point in order to feel secure. Ironically, it is when we let go of control that we find peace and security.

The Bright Side of Anxiety

Despite how bad it feels, anxiety does have a silver lining. That’s because it is a messenger. Anxiety alerts us that “something is wrong.” Sometimes the message of anxiety may be hidden, and it might require some digging to get to the source.

For example, in the first few years after my stepchildren moved in with me, I had extreme anxiety about their approach (or lack thereof) to housekeeping. I felt stressed because they were not meeting my standards for a clean house. After a few meltdowns (on my part), I had a huge realization. The real reason for my anxiety was that I believed I needed to have full control over my home environment to feel safe. If things were in place, and corners were clean, I could feel secure. With this insight, I was able to work on developing a feeling of safety inside myself, which allowed me to let go of micromanaging others’ behaviors. Manipulating “outside conditions” may seem to lend me safety, but the only true path is inner security.

So let’s start listening to our anxiety. Here are some ideas for tuning in to the messages.

Anxiety as a Peace Portal

Keep an anxiety journal

Keep track of the things that bother you and why. Over time you’ll start to see the patterns and identify the sources. Knowledge is power – the more we know about our anxiety, the more we can work on approaching things differently.

Talk it out

Call a trusted friend and talk through your anxieties. Again, this can help identify the causes and sources of the feelings, so you can pinpoint what to work on.

Identify what you can and can’t control

When we know what we can truly control, we are in a better position to let go of the rest – and eliminate the conflict that breeds anxiety. Make a list of things within your control, and those outside it. You may be surprised.

Accept yourself, others, and the world

I’m going to spoil the surprise – it turns out all we have control over (and not always then) are our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. We cannot control other people, circumstances, events, or the world at large. When we accept all of this – our own limitations and the world exactly as is – we will find peace. Even joy.

Use it as a cattle prod

Consider anxiety as a spur – use it to look for solutions, for relief. Look for others who suffer and find out what they’ve tried. Read, research, reach out. There are resources everywhere. Try new ideas, see how they work, or don’t.

Don’t give in, don’t give up

If you think you’ve tried everything, then throw up your hands, go out, and have some fun. Go to an amusement park and forget it all for the day. Sometimes living in the present clears head space for new insight.

What works for you in transforming anxiety into peace? Share your methods so we can all give them a try.

Other Insanely Serene posts on this topic (you think I might have a problem with this?):

Worried About Worry? How to Kick Anxiety’s Butt

What’s Your Worst Nightmare? Go There and Find Peace of Mind

8 Weapons Against Serenity Enemy “Obsessive Thinking”

7 Steps to Shake Anxiety: The Scariest Stalker You’ll Ever Have

Antidote to Anxiety: Practicing Joy

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