Antidote to Anxiety: Practicing Joy
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Having struggled with anxiety most of my life, I thought I had the answer nailed a few years ago. The antidote to anxiety? Getting present. It worked for me; if I was off in worry about the past or future, I could bring myself back to the present moment and let go of the fear. I’d remind myself to do the next practical thing – wash the dishes, prepare lunch for the next day, make a call, do another task on my list. I would focus on getting my head back to where my feet were.
While this often worked to bring me back to a neutral place, it was lacking. With neutrality, I was merely keeping anxiety at bay, knowing it lurked just outside the door. I have recently realized I need to push myself beyond neutral into the positive to truly banish anxiety.
Although I don’t enjoy worry, it’s been a known quantity in my life. There’s something comforting about ending the day mulling over the mistakes I’ve made and the things that bothered me and strategizing what I can do to “fix” the situations. I don’t know if I’m ready to change, but I’m moving forward anyway with a two-fold approach:
- Focus on what brings me joy
- Look at my resistance to letting go of anxiety
Surprisingly, the first part has been easier than the second. Here are just a few of the ways I’m putting joy into practice:
- Make a list of things that bring me joy, things I enjoy, and put copies of the list in different places I’ll see during the day
- Create a joy journal in which to write, draw, collage, scrapbook, and otherwise add visual reminders of things that bring me joy
- Go through old photos of myself for situations in which I am happy and having fun
- During the day, when negative thoughts come up, replace the thoughts with happier ones
- Practice smiling for the physiological effect of feeling better
- Be kind to others, even strangers, no matter how unpleasant they might seem
You might ask why I’m going for joy, when happiness might suffice? Happiness is not far enough along the feeling continuum – I need an extreme effort to jolt me out of my complacency. Feeling negative is unacceptable any more, and neutrality isn’t enough either. I want the pure unadulterated good feeling that I know is possible.
I know because I see others in my life experiencing happiness, humor, and even euphoria on a daily basis. It sounds unlikely and unusual, and it is, but I live with some of the happiest people I’ve ever known. And it’s infuriating sometimes! How do they do it? Why is it so difficult for me?
Which brings me to the second approach – looking at the obstacles to allowing more joy in my life. Am I really ready to change the way I respond to life? I’m not sure, but I do want to test it out. And so, true to my cautious risk-taker nature, I take incremental, baby steps.
Obstacles seem to include:
- I’m really comfortable being uncomfortable
- I’m not comfortable feeling good
- I don’t trust feeling good
- I fear something bad will follow the good feeling
- I don’t think feeling good is as rich an experience as worry and obsession
- Being serious is more important than having fun
- It’s not responsible to have fun or be happy
- You can’t be a good person, or have any depth, if you’re happy all the time
Yes, I am aware that this sounds somewhat insane. It is the voice of social conditioning. And since conditioning takes many years of repetition to become habit, the same kind of effort must be invested in changing the pattern.
Which circles back to the idea of practicing joy. A needle wears a groove in a record if left too long in one spot. The needle in my head runs along the rut of anxiety. By practicing joyful activities, I nudge that needle onto a new track. It may keep jumping back to the wider, deeper groove, so I just have to keep pushing it out, until a new path is worn.
Like changing any habit, it takes time, effort, and discipline. Sounds pretty serious, and also familiar. I take a steady, persistent, and determined approach to self-growth. But this has to be different; if I’m going to work at joy, it’s got to be fun! I’m pulling out silly stickers, digging through old photos, and writing this post. And it can’t stop there. I want to hear others’ experiences in cultivating joy – so please share yours here.
How about you? What makes fun fun? What makes you happy? What brings you joy? How do you practice? Do you have to give yourself permission to feel good? Can’t wait to hear more ideas.
Sheri
December 15, 2010You have hit a core subject for me. I like how honest you are about the ways you resist joy. And you’re right; it’s social conditioning. Most or at least many of us would give those very answers, silly as they may seem to the logical mind!
One thing that has helped me was making sure that my physical body was cared for. A few months ago, I told my doctor that I thought I might be depressed. She wisely said that she’s found that Americans (she’s from Turkey) often feel depressed because they are vitamin D deficient, and tested my blood. Yes, I was D deficient. I have been on a regimen of D and now feel that depressive edge gone. Sweet! So I’m glad I listened to my feelings and did something about it.
As far as practicing joy goes, I find that carving out time to do things I enjoy, such as reading a good book or working at my potter’s wheel (or anything creative!) is nurturing to my spirit. That, and continuing to practice presence.
Thanks for the excellent article.
wolflinda
December 15, 2010Sheri,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. Great insight about vitamin D. I was told the same thing last year about the trend toward deficiency and have been taking extra vitamin D since then. Glad it helps you feel so much better. I do agree about making sure you have time to do the things you enjoy is so important. I find I’m fairly good at the basics of self-care, but getting the extra time for the relaxing activities is harder to squeeze in. I often end up staying up too late because I can’t get to them until it’s time to wind down. Another thing that helps me is designing my space to be welcoming and comfortable. I recently acquired my dream chair – a comfy leather arm chair – for my office, which encourages me to slow down and use it!
So glad you came by,
Linda
Dandy
December 15, 2010Hi,
This post really resonated with me. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I know first hand how seriously debilitating it can be. What has helped me is positive self-talk. I say nice things to myself all the time & I mean it. Also exercise, because I know I’m doing something positive for myself! Eating nutricious meals. How can you go wrong with that?! Practicing gratitude as you suggested is huge. It can really change your frame of mind! Thanks so much for this wonderful post!
Best Wishes,
Dandy
wolflinda
December 15, 2010Dandy,
Welcome and thank you! I’m glad to find a kindred spirit and to hear you have made such great strides in combating anxiety. I’m impressed that you can use self-talk the way you describe, I’ve never been able to use that technique and believe it. ;-> Yes, good food, movement, and for me, good sleep, are so essential to feeling good during the day. Otherwise I get very irritable with others! So nice to hear your experience, thanks for coming by.
Best,
Linda
Angela Artemis
December 15, 2010Hi Linda,
I really enjoyed this post and the depth your experience with anxiety and depression brought to it. I’m one of those “naturally happy” types, but I do have a serious side.
I actually have a close family member who is addicted to fear, worry and anxiety. I find it quite maddening. They are convinced that at any moment the sky will fall. No amount of reasoning will change them and they don’t accept that they even have a choice to change their conditioned thoughts. I do know you cannot change a person, and that they won’t change unless and until they’re ready, but what was it in your life (if you don’t mind my asking) that made you aware that you were ready to deal with this issue and change?
Thanks so much,
Angela
wolflinda
December 15, 2010Angela,
So great to hear from you! I do admire the naturally happy types, I’m working to get there!
I’ll tell you when it turned around for me, I had already addressed my depression through medication and therapy, and was still waking up with dread every day, worrying that catastrophe was going to occur based on no real evidence. Even though I’d found a self-help method that worked wonders for me in my personal development, I still felt this dread on a daily basis. I was at the end of my rope. I finally gave in and accepted the idea of medication again, which my dr. had suggested, and it worked. Once it kicked in, all the work I had done on myself kicked in, and I was able to make tremendous progress. That was my “moment of clarity” about anxiety. However, there were some traits I had that allowed me to take advantage of the realization – I had awareness that it was a problem for me and I knew I wanted to change. I just needed the kick in the pants to do something about it. So awareness and willingness to change are essential first steps.
You’ve probably already thought about this, but the only thing I’ve found helps me when I keep wanting someone else to see the light and change is to focus on my own attitude, find ways to protect myself in interactions with them so I don’t get sucked in or reactive, and am able to accept them where they are but still be open and available to them if they ever want help.
Thanks for the question and opportunity to delve into this topic more deeply.
Best,
Linda
Stacy
December 15, 2010Your post is so timely for me. I was just writing the other day about how I need to priorities being happy. It’s the exact struggle I’m having right now too. And I’ve come to many of the same conclusions and solutions as you. I so agree that it’s a neural groove we get sit in. And we stay stuck in it due to our discomfort with change or happiness in general. But I too am commited to being happier in life. I’ve started trying make sure I physically smile more every day. And I’ve been cutting pictures out of old magazines of people that look happy and pasting them on colorful paper and then writing positive affirmations about my life on the page along with it. And throughout the day when I catch myself being negative I try to regroup.
Thanks so much for this well writen post. It’s almose scary how similar it is to what I’ve been working on myself.
Take care
wolflinda
December 15, 2010Wow, Stacy, soooo cool to read this and find another soul the same path! I love your idea of the pictures of people smiling and affirmations. Today I put together some color photos of Jane Austen’s books and the films made of her stories, because I LOVE her work so much, it makes me very happy to lose myself in her world. I’m going to make a scrapbook page of the images so I can look at them and be reminded of happiness. Thanks for finding the post; I look forward to getting to know you better! Best, Linda
Sandra Lee
December 15, 2010Linda,
This is beautiful! I love the ways you are cultivating joy like looking at old fun photos. One of the things I do is visit my favorite most inspiring positive blogs.
I think we all have a basic constitution to begin with and a tendency to fear/anxiety or anger and its related emotions or complacency/inertia as explained in Ayurvedic medicine. It’s a lifelong journey to work with and transcend these basic tendencies – a very possible one though. I’m inspired by the baby step changes you are making. I wish you well.
wolflinda
December 16, 2010Sandra,
Thank you, I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Great idea about the positive blogs, I like doing that as well (and your blog is one of those for me!). I have not read much about Ayurvedic medicine although I recently tried to identify my type. I agree the journey away from fear and back to our basic true knowledge can be a long one. That’s why I’m so inspired by people with no fear. How do they do that?? Trust in themselves and the universe to support them as they do the best they can. I’m striving toward that. Glad to know you’re on the journey too.
Linda
Candy
December 16, 2010Linda,
I the same as you have been experiencing anxiety since I was younger, I am so afraid of just rollercoatsers, reciting in front of a large crowd, not being a good mother, getting a job, ( i am 33 years old)you name it i am afraid of it. My main issue is i am afraid of failing, not being perfect. Yes, also there are times when i feel guilty for being happy. This is happening more since i am trying to change my way of thinking. This past year has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I have been doing alot of self help, but i know what you are talking about when you say it can go away but you still feel it there. My husband is not afraid of hardly anything, so he has been helping me. One thing he told me is when i get anxeity to let it come don’t fight it, pretty soon i will get tired of it and it will not bother me. but he said it will take sometime. Also like you said to change my way of thinking, don’t take my thoughts so seriously (which is hard for me but i am learning) I am starting to see a change, but like you said it is going to take sometime. As for me postive things i do, i paint plaques with postive quotes on them and hang them up around my house. Also, I listen to postive nice music, play and spend quality time with my kids and tell myself over and over that life is not all bad, there is alot more good i just need to stop letting the negative over run it. Plus, I tell myself that to be in the moment as much as possible because life goes by really fast. Thank you for such a nice uplifting blog:)
wolflinda
December 16, 2010Hi Candy,
It’s wonderful to hear from you, and thank you for sharing your experience with anxiety and working to overcome it with such courage and honesty. I too suffered from the perfectionism bug. What I realized is I never learned it’s ok to make mistakes. In fact, making mistakes is a wonderful thing, because we learn from them. I have trained myself slowly, over time, to forgive myself my mistakes, and now am at the point of mostly just accepting it when I make a mistake, then using it to learn something, and making my behavior more in line with what I’d like it to be. I don’t have to beat myself up anymore. You’ve heard that Thomas Edison made thousands of mistakes? He says, “Results! Why man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won’t work.” So every time you think you’ve done or said something that isn’t “perfect,” remind yourself that it’s just an opportunity to learn something about yourself. Brainstorm what you’d like to try next time, practice in your mind, and if you feel you need to apologize for something you did, think it over and do that in a balanced, thoughtful way. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, though, treat yourself as you would your husband, your best friend, or your children, try practicing compassion on yourself. Don’t worry if it takes a long time, or if you think you keep making the same mistakes over and over (I certainly did), because you really are making progress even when you can’t see it. Isn’t it great to have people in our lives who don’t have fear? What an inspiration for me. I think I can get there, eventually, I am determined to banish fear before I die! I’m so glad you came upon the blog and found it helpful.
Best,
Linda
Angela Artemis
December 18, 2010Hi Linda,
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I do appreciate it. I have been following your advice on my own. I try to accept the person as they are and not allow the fears and negativity to affect my mood. I try to point out when appropriate that the current fear they’ve zeroed in on is probably not going to happen, and sometimes I get through and sometimes I don’t. It is as you say important for the person to acknowledge that they have this pattern of thinking first before they can begin to make any progress. Therein lies my dilemma! In their mind “worrying” is a saintly trait! And, everyone in the world should worry more and perhaps we’d have a better world.
Oh dear, what does one say to that?
Thanks so much for clarifying a few things for me. For now I’ll just have to “pray” that some other saint comes through to reason with them!
wolflinda
December 19, 2010Angela,
All good strategies. One little motto I like is, “Your best hope is every bit as likely as your worst fear,” it helps me shift from the negative to the possibility of the positive. ;-> Sounds like your friend is pretty committed to their behavior. And you are very right that you can’t argue with irrationality. Another technique that works for me is to disengage. If someone is going down a road I know won’t feel good for me, I change the topic or physically remove myself. Eventually the person gets the message that I’m not going to play that game. Disengaging rather than arguing gives the person the opportunity to sit with their own stuff. Or find another outlet. But at least I’ve protected myself. In terms of another “saint,” I sure hope for your friends’ sake that something intervenes to make their experience here a bit more pleasant. I agree with you that it’s going to have to be a bit of grace from the universe, nothing we can direct unfortunately.
So glad to hear you’re on a positive track for yourself on this!
Best,
Linda
Frank Russo
December 24, 2010Linda: Thank you for taking the time to write about this subject. I have never commented on anyone’s blog before – but I felt compelled to at least let you know that I genuinely look forward to your posts. I cannot say that I always have the time to read them, but when I do find the time, I always feel that a kindred soul has spoken to me, and I am “saner” for it. That’s not easy for me, having been raised in an insane Italian family here in New York.
wolflinda
December 24, 2010Frank,
Thank you thank you for your lovely note. I am honored that you enjoy reading the blog and it brings you a little sanity – that is my goal for myself and others!! It’s wonderful to hear it helps you, and I can only imagine the kind of craziness that comes from your culture and your city. Being a Bostonian from a Jewish family, we have our own brand of insanity. Fun stuff, huh? I appreciate your taking the time to read and to comment, and look forward to further conversations.
Best and have a wonderful holiday season,
Linda
JTSA
December 24, 2010I find this to be true. We are often more negative in our thinking than we allow ourselves to know. In San Francisco in November I bought a string of mala beads at the Zen Center on which to county my blessings, and keep it next to my bed because it is easier to sleep with the memory of my happinesses in mind. Prior to that I used a strong of pearls inherited from my husband’s side of the family.
As usual, your posts are both lovely and helpful.
wolflinda
December 24, 2010JTSA,
Love the idea of beads representing gratitude/blessings/happiness memories next to the bed. I’ve been looking at my joy journal each night. Just got a special table to use for working more intensively on the journal as scrapbook, adding more happy memories and joyful activities. A work in progress. So glad you find the posts helpful. How many mala beads are there?
Best,
Linda
Juli
December 27, 2010My Mala String has 108 beads, not including the main bead from which hangs a tassel. I like things that help me stay focused, and staying focused on good things is worthwhile to me. Also, it helps me remember that life is filled with good things and with bad things (these are judgments, of coures) and that it isn’t because I am bad that bad things happen. My personal slogan is “all’s well, all things considered”!